So troubling events on the horizon, at least the perceived horizon, and perceived troubling events. We all have our battles to fight, though battles of might bring more honor; battles of the heart are far more subtle and far more deadly. How does one deal with wounds to your very soul, to your every emotion. How do you defend your very being without cutting yourself off not only from all attacks, but all joys at the same time? How does one endure, how does the heart not break in quaking fear from of the hopelessness of its own situation. Is it that strong to stem back the tide, to look into the eye of the storm and still be whole and complete?
I would like to think so; at least my heart is I hope. This is not the poor dreams of some lost boy, if you want the poor dreams of a lost boy, I have those too. However this is a common hope, the hope that we will accept the pain and loneliness that comes suddenly during some boring Tuesday afternoon (fucking Tuesdays) like the kool-aid man through a brick wall. He's like "Oh yeah" and your like "oh the fuck no, my wall." It always hits you on some mundane day, some middle of the week piece of shit day that comes out of no where and suddenly it's important. Suddenly that is the most important day of your fucking life, good or bad. I remember one day that I can say for a fact, 100% certainty that it was one of the most important days of my life, because I met a girl I have talked about twice in this blog. The day I met Annie….
It was laundry day, fucking laundry day. On top of everything my good friend Kj's horrid bitch of a girlfriend was coming to visit, he bitched so much about her I could write a story about how horrid this woman was. I had this perceived self image of a controlling stereotypical hot ass stuck up bitch. I mean that is how he described her. However when I walked into the laundry room that day, I got a different image, I walked in and there was one of the most attractive women I had seen in a while, a woman who was not stuck up not horrid bitchy looking. Not a narcissistic fuckwad. That was easy, there are a lot of women like that, but I had known most the people in Glacier, I had at least seen them, I would remember one like this. That's when I saw Kj, that's when he introduced his friend Annie, and that's when I realized that Kj is an over dramatic douche, mind you he's an over dramatic douche that I'm happy to call my friend. She was sitting up on a washing machine and Kj introduced us. I was happy to meet her and she gave me a hug, totally awesome, Kj got flustered, totally funny. We hit it off really well, we talked about random stuff, and we both think it was something about penguins and chickens….? Now dear readers, what does Nick go and do but fall for his best friends girlfriend, yes indeed, I fell for her, or at least a crush that lead to me being in love with her started. To be honest here is where I started to resent Kj as well, I mean he had a wonderful beautiful girlfriend, who he didn't support and he bitched about. He also would flirt a lot with other girls, I remember one time we were chatting about anime in Glacier lounge and Annie was sitting sideways in a single seat chair and I was lying on the couch, and Kj was off talking to some girl, while I was talking with his hot girlfriend. On top of everything for all his bitching of her, he was incredibly protective of her. Whenever I showed even the slightest bit of flirtation towards her Kj would get flustered and usher me or her away from the other. I didn't like how my friends at the time would attack her and take Kj's side always because, I thought Kj was wrong, it was pure and simple, once I met her and realized how wonderful and sweet she was, I was like, I guess Kj is not paying enough attention to her. He is always bitching about her bitching about how he doesn't pay enough attention or some shit like that. He didn't pay enough attention to her, even when she was at the same school as us. Yes she came to SOU, for school, amazing.
So let's be honest, we have all done what Kj did to different degrees. I have more then once referred to a few of my exes as crazy bitches, they don't deserve that title in any degree. A few of them do to be honest. However that is part of dating and part of being an emotional being. A little while ago my friend asked me, why do people link sex and emotion, she doesn't and I told her because for most people sex is an important part of love, it is making love, and whenever sex and emotion connect people tend to get a little crazy, but it's ok, we all can stand to be a little crazy once in a while. However why do we keep living our lives this way, what philosophy is in it. Now my dear readers, it is worth it, it's worth everything, trust me the reward is, amazing…. Even during just the healing part.
I woke up that morning, it was seemingly like any other day, and I looked out of my window that was right next to my bed it was snowing. It was so beautiful outside, the white on the hill, on the steps on the road. It was amazing, it was this moment, I made a decision, and I didn't want to hate who I was anymore. I mean it didn't stop there, it was hard, but I remember this one cold January morning that I started to stop hating myself. I got up and I was cold, and I cared, it was like something had changed over night, before I was like 'what the fuck ever, I don't matter' however now I was 'like fuck I'm cold.' I went and took a shower, in my shower, I really enjoyed it, and it was a good shower. I went to cascade and ate breakfast, and it was a good breakfast. It was suddenly like things mattered, and the things that mattered were good. Things started to slowly become fun again. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, it's like all that mattered was that morning so that's all I remembered. It's a feeling sort of like waking up from a long dream, you ask yourself, 'did that really happen' and say things like 'nah that's not me.' However, it is you, it was you, but it just wasn't "YOU." How can it be you, but not you at the same fucking time? Easily, because the depression takes over, it makes stress and makes you question everything. It makes you question all your motives and makes the world seem so big. it swallows you up and drags you down into the deepest pit, it's a funny thing about depression, depression feeds depression, the more depressed you get, the more you get depressed about how you are depressed and that leads further down, like those freaky tunnel things for The Time Machine trying to eat you but realizing you're a time traveler so they take you to their freaky boss…. Sorry tangent. However, even though I slip every now and then, we all do. Hell's bells there are times since then where I went "Fuck I hate myself right now." Just did the other day, it was not a cool thing. However, it's not true, I don't hate myself. My heart is healing from it's every tiny crack, it's every micro break, from not getting a much as I thought to not getting the job, to losing the girl of my dreams. Well one of them at least.
I am a man of dreams and aspirations far beyond my capacity to perform. I aspire to have my head in the clouds, to cure world hunger, to destroy war and hate, and to help man overpower his love of power, with the power of love. To heal, the world and myself I guess. Is it ok to dream of healing the world when I have these broken wings? Will they ever learn to fly, maybe, but who wants to dream of walking, when one can dream of souring. However when you cannot fly anymore you run, when you can't run no more, you crawl and when you can't crawl no more, you all know the rest.
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