Nights spent in reflection of the coming dawn.

It’s hard to believe on some nights that the world does get better. I know that sometimes I can’t believe that the morning will show any promise at all. It has been quite a while since I actually added an entry but here we go. A few things have happened in my life since the beginning of this journal, and I would like to share a few of those things with you before I start this morning’s real entry. First and foremost K and broke up last year. After her I went into relationship after relationship of horribleness, all ending with me meeting one of the most wonderful people in my life, who loves me a lot and I don’t deserve her. I can’t see her till this summer and don’t know how to feel or what to do. Three people in my life have died, and one important person has left my life forever of her own free will. Two more people that fit under the “Important” Category have crashed in my life and at this very moment, one of them cannot trust me because of something I did and lied about. Besides the year in brief, Erin has moved up to Seattle, Erica has crashed in and out of my life three times and the third time ending with a night of playing make believe that probably shouldn’t have happened. I have met and exceeded some expectations; I have fallen short and broken others. I have told a few lies, but never broke a promise. I have found a friend I love very much, and have the beginnings of love for another. However tonight’s entry is is more reflective, more base in its intricacies. It’s about running away to find your heart only to find that it was where you left it all along.
Journeys are difficult things, to go on a journey is to leave everything you love behind and go out in the world naked to its forces. If life is a journey the greatest tragedy is to not enjoy it on the way, has been said to me many times in my life. I have also been told that this road is not one we walk alone. We hold the hands of the people’s who’s very souls have danced the intricate fibers of the web of life with us. It’s an amazing thing for two people to come together, for a single person who’s very soul makes yours light aflame to be found amongst six billion individuals. Yet most people don’t journey to find their soul mates. Mostly the journeys find us, and journeys end when and will they want and that is where you make your home. I’m not talking about the physical journey of going to the store or anything so mundane; I’m talking about the very act of going from one moment in your life to another. Where it takes you, and who it takes you to is all important in the life of a person, because it is true that no man is an island. All of us search out other people that make our life more complete, whether by a helping hand, a gentle kiss, a comforting embrace or Bavarian sugar cookies. We all search out people that think and feel like we do, so we don’t feel as alone, and it’s easy to feel alone in a world of six billion people, because in six billion people how can anyone feel like you do now. Surprisingly enough of those six billion people on earth none will ever know what you are feeling unless you tell them. I swore one day, on a very important and cold august second, that I would never let someone go without them knowing how I feel about them again, especially if I loved them, because when you don’t tell someone you love them, in my experience, they have a habit of never knowing. Is the world better that they never knew? Does it make their lives better or yours better that they don’t know how your heart yearns for their smile? It doesn’t matter if you can never be with them romantically, in truth there are many loves and many expressions of it. Life isn’t short but it’s too short to bullshit yourself and the ones you love, because in the end, isn’t not telling them the greatest tragedy and the greatest lie of all. You’re not even lying to them, but you’re lying to your heart.
It was a cold morning, sitting in the sand under the large cedar tree where just a few years ago I had shared my first kiss and my first forbidden relationship. My phone gripped in my hand, a tear rolling down my face. “I’m sorry” is all she said, all she fucking said to me. At least that’s all I heard until she asked me. “Nick, is it raining there.” I answered “of course it is…” and she interrupted me with “I wonder if the world is crying for my baby girl, I wonder if god is punishing me for my own silly vanity, my own silly dreams that I had a perfect life. However here I am telling her 19 year old best friend that my baby girl is dead.” My world had ended, my moral compass was gone, my girlfriend of two and a half years was with someone else, whom I had thought was my friend. I wanted to scream I wanted to cry; I wanted to end everything and have them find me dead on the beach. Because I thought that maybe the only way that anyone will ever miss you is if you make sure you leave before them. If you die before they figure out how terrible you really are. However that would have been selfish, and Alexis and Amanda were the only people I could think of. I wanted my world to end, but I was bound to tightly under two promises I could never break, and my own cowardice to do it myself. I had never told her how much… how much I loved her, how much I don’t even know. She taught me so much about the world and it all came crashing down around me. My naivety ended that day, and I started learning from the ground up what it meant to be alive without someone to hold my compass for me.
Several months later, I received a package from Alexis’s mother. It was a bundle of letters she was trying to write me. There were about 30 of them, all of them saying the same thing, this perfect girl. This girl hat was good at whatever she did, had trouble sending me a letter simply saying I love you. I didn’t think there was anything she wasn’t good at. However these three simple words failed her. I swore to myself again, that I wouldn’t let another person go without letting them know that I loved them. It’s too important to let go, life may not be short but as I said it’s too short not to let your heart sing, and it won’t be poetry that will necessarily win the fair maidens heart, but the world you heart wishes to say will, and if it doesn’t it’s not the right lady or gent. It’s that simple, your heart isn’t perfect but it’s the best thing in your anatomy to follow, because it always seems to try to have your best interest in mind, and it doesn’t seem to try to embarrass you during cocktail parties by trying to get you to hump the hostess. FYI, this action tends to be frowned upon at most cocktail parties, if you have a different experience, then I may be going to the wrong cocktail parties.
It was supposed to be one night, that’s all she wanted, with head against the pillow before things went to far, she asked for one night of make believe. Asked for one night that we can both feel like someone else wants us and no one else, and got a night were we pretended we were not cold alone and scared of waking up in the morning. It was deliberate to say on her part, every move, from standing up and disrobing to kissing me. I love her; I do, but not in the way we pretended that night and I’ve gotten to old for make believe like this anymore. You can’t play the part of the loving spouse simple because you’re scared of another night alone. She was the princess and all I had to do was be the prince. I gave her the lie she wanted. I lied to her and lied to myself and told myself that other people can have this and so can we. We who loved each other and when we did this it actually meant something. However in the morning it meant nothing like what it was supposed to mean. It mean two lonely people who loved each other very much making a mistake so we didn’t have to think of what is happening in our life. I told her in the morning, I told her I couldn’t pretend like this again, I couldn’t lie and tell her that she was the one I loved above all else, because it had been a long time since our first night. It had been a long time since our true love faded to friends. I looked in her eyes and told her I loved her but not in the way she wanted the night before. In the end I couldn’t be her prince, I couldn’t play the part anymore. When she asked in tears why couldn’t I just give her the one night she wanted? I told her it was because I couldn’t lie to her. We agreed it never happened. In fact I turned around that very day and told someone I am starting to love that it never happened. She didn’t ask, I just told her. It was a blatant lie to someone that deserves the truth just as much as Erica, if not more. Because she didn’t ask me to lie to myself and her, she didn’t ask me to play make believe. All she asked of me was to be her friend. I want to say that it was that morning that I realized I loved her, but I don’t even know anymore. I thought of something I interpreted later as love, but was it really that morning? No I don’t think it was.
This is the root of everything what we have right here. The lie was compounded and the truth was told. However the lie was told in the first place and now the consequences are dealt with. I will do anything to get back what I lost, because I realized that it was really something important after I messed everything up. Maybe it was often talked about, maybe it was even arranged. But nothing was ever done to stop it. Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said and live my life in silence? It was a simple act, everyone lies at one point. Mine was made in panic that led to more panic. I think I’m sane again. I know my path and it is to do whatever I can to make things right. One step at a time, because these are the realizations you get, when you spend all night thinking about things. That everything is just one small step at a time. Everything is just done in a night’s reflection of the coming dawn.