So I woke up this morning and thought of my post last night, and it got me thinking about other memories that I remember clearly, they don't come quite as clearly as this one came and went.
It was a cold august day and I was hanging out with this wonderful girl named Allison, Allison and I had a history of being very close, but never truly dated, which is sort of a regret to me, because I do care about her very deeply. However it was never to be so I might as well get over myself. We were thinking of things to do and she suggested that we go ice skating. So we go downtown Ashland by Lithia park and we go to an ice skating rink they have right there next to the park. There are kids all around and when we get there I grab the skates while she went to use the restroom. It was a nice if chilly day and I am not the best skater in the world. However my clumsiness turned out to be boyish and she liked it well enough, thinking it's cute. We talked and laughed and had fun and even kissed a little. It was so much fun, one of my favorite memories of Ashland.
Now I know what many of the two people that read this blog are thinking. Nick is not old enough to be having this memory regret fest that his blog seems to Imply. The importance of these memories is not to be going "I Miss my youth." They are self Important to get them out before I forget them further. Now many of those two people may still think 'this guy is full of shit' and stop reading. However fuck them…. This is about me.
So some newer memories that came to me recently while I was recollecting things in the shower. One of my favorite memories about K was when I was trying ever so desperately to play Star Wars D20. However K was sitting on my lap and had just gone to the doctors about a sore thought. They gave her this stuff called "Magic Mouthwash" Best name for a drug ever right? So she was rather high right then on her druggy mouthwash. So she was being Very affectionate. Witch I didn't mind but I was trying to play star wars and she had a boyfriend. So I was very distracted by cuddly high girl on my lap sleeping. This was probably the most memorable part of our friendship and when she really started to confuse me. I love her so much it's not even funny. I am not much without her. However there were certain times where I couldn't even reach the bored and she rolled for me but the game didn't involve me much. There was another time when I was playing Dnd and she came in and plopped down right now my lap. She does this to get my attention. So then I'm sitting there with K in my lap and then our friend Sabrina comes in and plops down on my lap as well. So here I am trying to play Dnd with two beautiful girls on my lap. All the guys are grumpy at me because I take forever to do things, and I think a few of the guys were jealous. It was so funny to me, it was so pure and friendly, I miss them and I miss those moments. I think I took advantage of that time and wanted it to be over because of the socially awkward times. However I want them back, desperately. Hanging out with Shaun and Kosh and doing stupid shit that was perfectly legal. Seeing K almost every day, and laughing a lot. One of the best times in my life, and I threw it away wishing for better, wishing I was with K or that I could have this or that. What was I doing, I don't know, but now all I want is to have those times again. Fuck it.
Now here I am gotten back from Camp, Pax came and went. Friends came and went. Good time shared by all. At least by most, I know at camp I have a way of ignoring the outside world. However I completely failed at being a friend this summer. So many things happened that changed my life. Then the screaming memory that K is leaving hits me in the head like a baseball bat in a small dark alley by a man with big lips named Bubba. What am I going to do? Thinking of this reminded me of another memory during camp……
So it was the night that Oolong and Baby Giant got officially fired. We were told early ass in the morning and there was a big meeting about it. The staff of Village and Horizon met together to talk about what is going to happen. Now at this point I have been awoken twice and was pretty pissed off. People were talking about quitting and they were all bad mouthing the Acds and Tree beard, and while I respected that. I also was pissed off that we can be so childish about it. I knew that I couldn't quit right here, this was my home. So I supported them, because they had good reasons for bitching, they did not feel safe without our ULs. So at one point we heard a Car and saw Headlights, it was apparently a car had parked in the orchard, and a little while later after words, when I had done some good crying. I went out to check what the fuck was happening. So I got up and went outside, it was Ptarmigan and the nocturnal councilors planting a tree in the orchard. So I went and talked to Ptar about what was happening, and he asked me what I was going to do. I told him that I'm going to wake up and go to breakfast and do everything with my kids because "that's what my fucking program plan says to do" …. I was stressed out beyond belief, I was at edge and I still wanted to be there for my kids. Over the next few days quite a few kids came up to me and asked me if I was quitting I told them no, I was staying and that they had nothing to worry about. I told my own kids that I was going to be there till the end with them. I am not leaving; I said it over and over again. I will probably always remember that night in the field surrounded by kids I cared about hugging Ptar while cursing like a drunken sailor. I think I showed integrity right there, because I made the hard choice. I chose my kids over my pride and over my friends. I chose the people that couldn't survive without me. Many people would probably say I made the wrong choice that my loyalty should be to my friends. However I loved those kids. They were wonderful and superstars and even though they had their problems, they were worth every bit of my love. I worry about them from time to time, like I worry about most of my good cabins. I wish I could just know what they were doing and if they were safe.
That was a very raw memory for me. I feel like crying right now in the memory of the pain I felt. I don't cry a lot but I cried then because it felt like injustice.
That's all for today.
All my love guys
Nick
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