Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind Episode 3, Tai’s revenge

"Nick you're such a black lab puppy" This is one of the most memorable lines from this awesome guy. He is one of the most reliable men I've ever known, and one of the laziest. If you have a problem with math, women, or just want to talk, you can always call him. He is one of my best friends. I met Tai in the fall of 2003, my first year at school, however I didn't become close to him till the next year, and I don't think I really started to know him till my last year at SOU. I mean I knew him and trusted him like my other SOU friends, which is to say that I trusted him a lot. However when it came to the last year, with "Man Night" and poker games, and Shadowrun, he really became one of my best friends. I knew I could rely on him in a way I didn't know before. We shared music we hung out, we bitched about girls together. However I took advantage of it, I didn't know what I had till I was gone for two years. I appreciate Tai now for what he gave me. He gave me piece of mind, he gave me guy time, he gave me something to tie myself down with (Pun completely intended) he anchored me. I want to be at his Barbeque that I think was last weekend. I want to be laughing and having fun. However I'm not complaining about what happened here, however I need to escape for a few days weeks or lifetimes. The important thing is that he is only a phone call away; however his phone might as well be on the moon.

We were sitting and playing Star Wars; Sam was Dm and was lording over us. We were sitting in Glacier Pool Room and were having fun; Tai was back in Eugene for a while, so his character was kind of our contact to everything. Sam was describing a scene and he said our comlinks rang. At that moment the phone in Glacier Mail area rang, Sam told us that it was Davey calling, so I scooted over to see why the phone was ringing because our friends had the number. I picked it up and heard Tai's voice on the other end asking me what was going on, I told him that his character had ironically just called us as well. We laughed about it and I asked him about reviewing Sports Games for Nerd Evolution, he seemed interested in it, we talked for a bit and then I hung up and returned to the game, as I sat there I wish Tai was with us. I remembered all the times I asked him about math and he whipped out his calculator and always did them for me. He would joke with us and he would laugh with us, at us, and everything else.

Tai taught me so much about gaming, however instead of storytelling, writing, and role playing, he taught me about the math behind it. The numbers being important, the percentage chances, he taught me how to count my outs in poker, and how to consider how dead I am against one of Sam's Bosses. We had memorable lines like "It's not Max Damage unless it's MAX Damage." He let me sleep on his couch when I came to visit; he cooked me a lot of food over the years, and gave me a lot of music. I want to go back down there, but I don't know if I can. There are many places I want to be, I think that is the next place I will go. If everyone is still down there that's important is still there, however at the same time there is someone else that is just as important. I don't know what I'm going to do, however this guy has changed my life for the better, and the worse, and everything in-between.

We were sitting on the couches in Diamond Lounge, I was curled up in the corner of one of them and Tai was on the middle one and Rachelle was sitting on the couch across from me. I was Half asleep and they were talking about what animals would represent them, Tai decided Rachelle was a raven I believe, and I can't remember what they decided he was, however that's what he turned to me. "So what do you think Nick is…?" Rachelle asked in her cool manner. "Nick, some kind of puppy, oh I got it, Nick you're such a black lab puppy."

I hope I'm as loyal to my friends as one.

Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind Episode 2

This forward is to tell people that read this, because of questions I got from the last one. The title is supposed to be ironic. Thank you.

Four years ago, coming up sometime this coming summer, I was browsing the net, well Gaia, and I met a girl. She was out of the ordinary, amazing, sweet, sincere, and honest. She took my dreams in-stride with her own and made them something more than my own. Those dreams stopped being mine, they started taking on a life of their own, from the time she drew out the center we wanted to build to the time she started taking our dream house to her own levels. All of it was vibrant and all of it was new, however I was in the middle of a life changing depression. So we drifted apart. She wasn't in a place where she could help me, and I wasn't in a place where I could give her what she wanted. We were both a billion miles apart (well across the country but might have been the moon) and there was nothing either of us could do, but drift apart. We talked on and off frequently for the next three years. Then we drifted apart further. Over the next year I have realized that when we were talking, I was happier, when she was out of my life something was missing. She is back in my life now, and has been for a week. I am much happier then I've been in a while but am also trying to do things right, so a lot of stress. With this I have also made my share of mistakes, I have thought my share of thoughts that have not been conductive to our continuing relationship or friendship. I have thought of giving up on all of it, but that thought just doesn't make me happy, at all. There was one day I realized I couldn't live without this woman in my life, I ignored it back then, but I had hit upon a basic truth. 4 years ago, I saw something in the future.

I was sitting on the roof of the house my Friend Dan lived in. I was sitting up on the roof looking over the whole of Portland, however my attention was not on the one of the most gorgeous sites ever be held by myself. Nor the pretty younger sister of my friend Dan that let me up on the roof. My attention in all its glory was plastered to the girl all the way on the other side of the country, whom at that very moment was talking to me on her phone back in West Virginia. We were talking about dreams and things we want to happen. A house somewhere in the country side, a school, a practice for her, we had talked for hours and hours about what the school would look like, feel like. We never talked about what she would do, I had my hopes but they had never been what she wanted. Sitting up on that roof I felt something introspective, I felt more longing for the person on the other side of the phone then I have ever felt before. Not sexual or anything like that, while I was sexually interested in her, it was something deeper, something I didn't understand, I still am not sure I understand. Something told met then that I understand a little better now, it told me to hold on, desperately if needed. I have never said no to my heart, even when I didn't understand it, so I kept talking, kept listening to her designs and her day, listened to her words as if they were the most precious of any stone. I didn't know what any of this meant sitting up on the roof top in Portland, I m still not sure sitting in a house Bellevue what it fully meant, I'm sure that if I was sitting in an office on the moon more clarity would not come. It's simply a matter that it will come to me when it makes sense, regardless on that warm summer day on the roof of the house in Portland I knew something I didn't understand, that I still don't understand.

Amanda has always been special, she has come in and out of my life with no warning, and sometimes I have received her with joy, sometimes with indifference. Always she seemed to stay exactly the time needed to affect me and make me miss her when she was gone. None of this was purposeful, I'm not accusing her of anything, I have never told her about how I felt till now. We have argued we have yelled, we have fought, and we have loved. We have talked about the future and then forgotten our dreams only to remember them later. She is special because she skips through my life like a rock on water, never fully leaving, however thrusting in the air from time to time. I miss her when she's gone, but she makes rings to the edge of my soul when she is here. She is my friend, for no one has truly taken my dreams into her heart as she has. She is my best friend because no one knows my growth and spirit like her. I am excited that she is in my life, however at the same time as much as I want her to stay, I don't want to hold her till she sinks bellow the waves.

Uncomfortable Truth well, where does my money go?

So I have loved few people with all my heart in my life. I have met even less that took something I loved in stride and made it their own. I have also done few things that I can verily say I regret. However I have learned something about myself in the past week. Something painfully true can even be called uncomfortably true. I open my mouth and stuff my foot in it. I never sit and calm down before I start a barrage of self-righteous fuu, and most of the time the person I am doing this too doesn't even deserve it. I am not completely comfortable with this idea, and the thing is at the time this all seems like a great idea of things to say, it seems a strong point in my favor. However when I analyze it later, I come up with golden crusted crap. I try to be passionate and noble sounding but I always come out as the bad guy, because I miss the point. The point is always that I'm supposed to be supportive and that everything that I am fighting against can be talked about later, I choose every time to fight an uphill battle because it feels good to be noble, and every time I lose and feel like I am the worst fucking idiot that ever thought. In my endeavor to grow and expand my horizons, I have learned a few uncomfortable things in my life. I am not going to list them you gossipers, all both of you that read this blog shall have to find out on your own. However this all start problems, and when I run into someone that is a lot like me, not only aggressive but very defensive, I run into problems. I have run into this problem time and time again, because of course I am attracted to strong minded girls. And not attracted to more amiable girls that my pathetic arguments might work on. As I said, I am uncomfortable with this truth but it is there. I wish there was a well sometimes that is outlined in XKCD,

You pay a penny and get "The Truth" whatever truth you're looking for that is not the most comfortable at the time. Its own simplicity is its own brilliance. Everyone loves to hear the truth that they want to hear, however everyone needs to hear the truth that is uncomfortable. They learn something about themselves and it's hard, however only then do we actually grow as human beings. To go to a well and ask for the 'The Truth" you have only yourself to blame, no hatred in it, no malice, no tricks no gags. I know I would put about a hundred pennies in there just to learn what needs to be fixed, or in the end does it take credit cards?

The tears bitterly stung my cheek as they ran down my face. She turned to me elegant even in her own rage, and stared at me. "So that's it Nick, no hard feelings here, we both know this is the right thing." It was said in complete honesty but it came across my ear with a hint of Irony, 'the right thing to do, bull-shit' I thought. When was giving up the right thing to do. So I said it, in all my glory I told her that she was giving up, that she wasn't the girl I loved anyway because of that. That she was giving up on our hopes and dreams and running away. I told her when felt right and god it felt good at the time. It felt like the most righteous and good thing I could do. Then she turned to me with a cold gaze. "This is one off your problems Nick, you give up on something and yet when it's gone you can't let go. This relationship was only important enough for you to fight for when we decided to end it. Nick we have had nothing for a while now, I know that the passion I felt when I kissed you is gone. I know that we had something amazing; I know we have so much in common; however you got to accept that we just don't work. It's nothing but in bed time with us. I want a normal relationship, I want to be loved. What we have here is not love, its two lonely friends clinging to each other." She then walked away, like that my entire argument shattered by the truth, she was right, I couldn't let it go, even though I agreed with her. Erica had taken my argument and thrown it in my face, and after I had calmed down and retrospect (usually takes a few seconds) I came to the conclusion, that she was right. I had given up, hadn't I just told her brother Mike that I felt like it was over. I had, yet why couldn't I give up, even more why did I have the need to apologize, when I know she just needed some rest, yet no I had to run after her apologize, which in the end made things worse. It made it more obvious that I couldn't let things go, she just needed to cool off and we could have a rational discussion about it later. After she yelled at me more, I sleep just went home and went to sleep, the next morning, everything seemed a little better.

It retrospect I should have learned my lesson from the uncomfortable truth well years ago, right there is the two things I just RECENTLY discovered. I pushed an argument well after I should have let it go, and I went off on a self-righteous tirade without thinking, or even being right. However doesn't it show growth that I'm learning, doesn't it show maturity that I'm become a better person. I usually say that the surest sign of maturity is to know when to be mature. However the problem with that, is don't you have to be mature to know when to be mature, and then shouldn't you know how to act mature? In the end the only thing that can tell us these simple uncomfortable truths, is not a well, it must be us recognizing our faults through our loved ones, or random people that live in wells.

I would like to kindly thank XKCD for helping illustrate my point. Now I need to make a sign and find a well.
Toodles.

Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind

There are things that we tell ourselves that should have been done. There are things we agree that are better left in the past, things that needed to be said, things that need to be done, and conversely things that really didn't need to be said, and things that really didn't need to be done. It's rather funny thing regret, funny and ironic. Someone could be completely happy with the way thins are and regret something, but doesn't that mean that they aren't happy with the way things are. Personally I would wish I could take back the last like 6 months and replay them, but there are several people I have met and connected to that I wouldn't never would have if I changed things, for one thing, there is someone I really love now that I would never have met. However conversely, I would never would have stopped talking to people I really care about people like Londynn.

    I was lying on my bed, playing World of War Craft, back when my wow addiction was full tilt. We were running a dungeon and I was the primary healer. I ways playing my awesome undead priest of doom, when the phone rang, I answered it and it was this awesome girl named Londynn. I loved her, I still do always will, she's one of my closest friends, and I feel like I can trust her with anything, we talk for a while about the most random shit ever. I tell her how I am she tells me how she is, we be all flirty, it doesn't mean anything its just fun. It was the kind conversation you can see yourself having every single day of your life. I get back on my computer still on the phone realizing oh shit. We are on a raid and my guild is very impatient with me. I tell them I am talking to Londynn. Morgan's response is, Nick you are never aloud to spell again. I laughing tell him that I was talking about a person. A very dear friend of mine…

I never wrote about Londynn before because, I don't know why. She's always been a very important figure in my life. Harassing me this way or that, we are fixing things right now; things got a little broken between us. However everything gets a little broken. You know if I had any sense in me I would have called her months ago and fixed things right up front. However the last time we talked I was afraid, she has this boyfriend and well I felt unwanted, and I got hurt. We didn't talk for a while after that for god knows what reason. She represents something to me, a side of me a part of me. She knows me very well. This is just a very short entry today. One of my friends is in the hospital, he is in a coma, I ask for all your prayers go out to him and his wife. Thank you

Godspeed man