So I have loved few people with all my heart in my life. I have met even less that took something I loved in stride and made it their own. I have also done few things that I can verily say I regret. However I have learned something about myself in the past week. Something painfully true can even be called uncomfortably true. I open my mouth and stuff my foot in it. I never sit and calm down before I start a barrage of self-righteous fuu, and most of the time the person I am doing this too doesn't even deserve it. I am not completely comfortable with this idea, and the thing is at the time this all seems like a great idea of things to say, it seems a strong point in my favor. However when I analyze it later, I come up with golden crusted crap. I try to be passionate and noble sounding but I always come out as the bad guy, because I miss the point. The point is always that I'm supposed to be supportive and that everything that I am fighting against can be talked about later, I choose every time to fight an uphill battle because it feels good to be noble, and every time I lose and feel like I am the worst fucking idiot that ever thought. In my endeavor to grow and expand my horizons, I have learned a few uncomfortable things in my life. I am not going to list them you gossipers, all both of you that read this blog shall have to find out on your own. However this all start problems, and when I run into someone that is a lot like me, not only aggressive but very defensive, I run into problems. I have run into this problem time and time again, because of course I am attracted to strong minded girls. And not attracted to more amiable girls that my pathetic arguments might work on. As I said, I am uncomfortable with this truth but it is there. I wish there was a well sometimes that is outlined in XKCD,
You pay a penny and get "The Truth" whatever truth you're looking for that is not the most comfortable at the time. Its own simplicity is its own brilliance. Everyone loves to hear the truth that they want to hear, however everyone needs to hear the truth that is uncomfortable. They learn something about themselves and it's hard, however only then do we actually grow as human beings. To go to a well and ask for the 'The Truth" you have only yourself to blame, no hatred in it, no malice, no tricks no gags. I know I would put about a hundred pennies in there just to learn what needs to be fixed, or in the end does it take credit cards?
The tears bitterly stung my cheek as they ran down my face. She turned to me elegant even in her own rage, and stared at me. "So that's it Nick, no hard feelings here, we both know this is the right thing." It was said in complete honesty but it came across my ear with a hint of Irony, 'the right thing to do, bull-shit' I thought. When was giving up the right thing to do. So I said it, in all my glory I told her that she was giving up, that she wasn't the girl I loved anyway because of that. That she was giving up on our hopes and dreams and running away. I told her when felt right and god it felt good at the time. It felt like the most righteous and good thing I could do. Then she turned to me with a cold gaze. "This is one off your problems Nick, you give up on something and yet when it's gone you can't let go. This relationship was only important enough for you to fight for when we decided to end it. Nick we have had nothing for a while now, I know that the passion I felt when I kissed you is gone. I know that we had something amazing; I know we have so much in common; however you got to accept that we just don't work. It's nothing but in bed time with us. I want a normal relationship, I want to be loved. What we have here is not love, its two lonely friends clinging to each other." She then walked away, like that my entire argument shattered by the truth, she was right, I couldn't let it go, even though I agreed with her. Erica had taken my argument and thrown it in my face, and after I had calmed down and retrospect (usually takes a few seconds) I came to the conclusion, that she was right. I had given up, hadn't I just told her brother Mike that I felt like it was over. I had, yet why couldn't I give up, even more why did I have the need to apologize, when I know she just needed some rest, yet no I had to run after her apologize, which in the end made things worse. It made it more obvious that I couldn't let things go, she just needed to cool off and we could have a rational discussion about it later. After she yelled at me more, I sleep just went home and went to sleep, the next morning, everything seemed a little better.
It retrospect I should have learned my lesson from the uncomfortable truth well years ago, right there is the two things I just RECENTLY discovered. I pushed an argument well after I should have let it go, and I went off on a self-righteous tirade without thinking, or even being right. However doesn't it show growth that I'm learning, doesn't it show maturity that I'm become a better person. I usually say that the surest sign of maturity is to know when to be mature. However the problem with that, is don't you have to be mature to know when to be mature, and then shouldn't you know how to act mature? In the end the only thing that can tell us these simple uncomfortable truths, is not a well, it must be us recognizing our faults through our loved ones, or random people that live in wells.
I would like to kindly thank XKCD for helping illustrate my point. Now I need to make a sign and find a well.
Toodles.
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