Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind Episode 2

This forward is to tell people that read this, because of questions I got from the last one. The title is supposed to be ironic. Thank you.

Four years ago, coming up sometime this coming summer, I was browsing the net, well Gaia, and I met a girl. She was out of the ordinary, amazing, sweet, sincere, and honest. She took my dreams in-stride with her own and made them something more than my own. Those dreams stopped being mine, they started taking on a life of their own, from the time she drew out the center we wanted to build to the time she started taking our dream house to her own levels. All of it was vibrant and all of it was new, however I was in the middle of a life changing depression. So we drifted apart. She wasn't in a place where she could help me, and I wasn't in a place where I could give her what she wanted. We were both a billion miles apart (well across the country but might have been the moon) and there was nothing either of us could do, but drift apart. We talked on and off frequently for the next three years. Then we drifted apart further. Over the next year I have realized that when we were talking, I was happier, when she was out of my life something was missing. She is back in my life now, and has been for a week. I am much happier then I've been in a while but am also trying to do things right, so a lot of stress. With this I have also made my share of mistakes, I have thought my share of thoughts that have not been conductive to our continuing relationship or friendship. I have thought of giving up on all of it, but that thought just doesn't make me happy, at all. There was one day I realized I couldn't live without this woman in my life, I ignored it back then, but I had hit upon a basic truth. 4 years ago, I saw something in the future.

I was sitting on the roof of the house my Friend Dan lived in. I was sitting up on the roof looking over the whole of Portland, however my attention was not on the one of the most gorgeous sites ever be held by myself. Nor the pretty younger sister of my friend Dan that let me up on the roof. My attention in all its glory was plastered to the girl all the way on the other side of the country, whom at that very moment was talking to me on her phone back in West Virginia. We were talking about dreams and things we want to happen. A house somewhere in the country side, a school, a practice for her, we had talked for hours and hours about what the school would look like, feel like. We never talked about what she would do, I had my hopes but they had never been what she wanted. Sitting up on that roof I felt something introspective, I felt more longing for the person on the other side of the phone then I have ever felt before. Not sexual or anything like that, while I was sexually interested in her, it was something deeper, something I didn't understand, I still am not sure I understand. Something told met then that I understand a little better now, it told me to hold on, desperately if needed. I have never said no to my heart, even when I didn't understand it, so I kept talking, kept listening to her designs and her day, listened to her words as if they were the most precious of any stone. I didn't know what any of this meant sitting up on the roof top in Portland, I m still not sure sitting in a house Bellevue what it fully meant, I'm sure that if I was sitting in an office on the moon more clarity would not come. It's simply a matter that it will come to me when it makes sense, regardless on that warm summer day on the roof of the house in Portland I knew something I didn't understand, that I still don't understand.

Amanda has always been special, she has come in and out of my life with no warning, and sometimes I have received her with joy, sometimes with indifference. Always she seemed to stay exactly the time needed to affect me and make me miss her when she was gone. None of this was purposeful, I'm not accusing her of anything, I have never told her about how I felt till now. We have argued we have yelled, we have fought, and we have loved. We have talked about the future and then forgotten our dreams only to remember them later. She is special because she skips through my life like a rock on water, never fully leaving, however thrusting in the air from time to time. I miss her when she's gone, but she makes rings to the edge of my soul when she is here. She is my friend, for no one has truly taken my dreams into her heart as she has. She is my best friend because no one knows my growth and spirit like her. I am excited that she is in my life, however at the same time as much as I want her to stay, I don't want to hold her till she sinks bellow the waves.