It was like one day I was one thing, and then the next I was another.

Have you ever had someone walk into your life and suddenly the rules don't make sense anymore? I have, recently, really recently. A few times in my life I have met someone that entered my life so fast that I could see the change one day to the next. Erin entered my life that way, with 5 hour conversation in the stair well. Alexis entered my life with a five hour conversation under a stairwell, and now a new girl has entered my life the same way, (well no stairs were involved) I have talked to her so much the last week, we were really close, but unfortunately it got kind of screwed up you see. I need to rebuild this, it's mostly my fault. This is not the first time this has happened, and yet I still open my big mouth and allow things to exit it that shouldn't. This was not the first time my heart got ahead of my mind. Especially because the logician in my mind is tied up in a corner somewhere. However people like this have always been worth the struggle, they are destined to change your life forever, as quickly as they changed you in the first place and so slowly you never know the difference. I remember when Amanda did this to me….

I was a lonely High School student, she was radiant and we had just met that summer at camp. She and I exchanged e-mail addresses as kids do, however unlike everyone else who exchanged e-mails we actually kept corresponding, you see it turns out Amanda had a huge crush on me. I remember the first phone conversation we had, well not word for word, but I remember it because that was when my life was changed. I was pretty weird I never hung out with people outside of school, and like a normal boy didn't use the phone for long. However this changed when she started calling me, well it was more Kim's fault but that is not the point. It was Amanda first then, when Kim and I started dating it was her too. It was that first long e-mail to Amanda; it was that first phone call in the kitchen that changed everything. It was a year long friendship then a 3 year long relationship that forged all of this. I would talk to her for hours just to hear her voice, even before I knew I loved her. I would say silly things like I love you like a sister when I didn't know what love was. It was hours upon hours on the phone with a fair amount of it just sitting there listening to each other breath. Before I knew it I was changed, I was a different more confident person.

Sometimes I pity the kid I was, until I act like him again. Sometimes I want to go back to wish the mistakes fixed, until I realize that I wouldn't know the people I do now because of them, it's kind of funny regrets, to regret something is to wish that nothing that has happened has happened, it's to wish that everything was different. I may be happier if I changed this one thing or another, but so many would not be in my heart, and I wouldn't have touched so many people's hearts. Or ran to be a super hero knowing that in this action I was probably going to lose the person I saved.

It was October; I am not going to fair in detail with this memory because it's not my memory to tell, but I will tell you the memory of my heart beats and my mind racing. It was Halloween. I was sitting and playing magic, with a few friends, the only one I really remember being there was Shaun, but I'm sure Kosh, Ben and Soph were there too, we were at the table closest to the fireplace and I was sitting on the floor. I heard my phone ring, and my heat skipped a beat, I answered it and my heart once again was beating quickly, I was on my feet, I was running. I was defiantly in a panic, it was important so boom boom boom boom, so quickly beat my heart. It wasn't the normal, pump pump it was a booming noise that resonated with every single part of my body with every step on the concrete. With every breath of the cold air my heart raced. I opened a door and my heart fell apart, the boom boom boom continued, not slowing down and not relenting its drumming sound. I remember my fist clenching and feeling the blood flow to the fist, feeling it cushion to the pressure, and the pain in my hand from the grip. The rest I remember tears and fears and lots of hugs, holding tight, my hands gripped around a steering wheel. I remember questions and answers, stress and terror. Eventually I remember saying goodbye and somehow going to sleep without nightmares that night.

My life changed that night, however it may not have been for the better, or for the worse, just changed. This is a short blog post because it's almost 2 am, however for those people I have met, and for those who I got to know in two seconds, I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I've been changed for good.

My nickname was like 'frigid castrating bitch' or something

So troubling events on the horizon, at least the perceived horizon, and perceived troubling events. We all have our battles to fight, though battles of might bring more honor; battles of the heart are far more subtle and far more deadly. How does one deal with wounds to your very soul, to your every emotion. How do you defend your very being without cutting yourself off not only from all attacks, but all joys at the same time? How does one endure, how does the heart not break in quaking fear from of the hopelessness of its own situation. Is it that strong to stem back the tide, to look into the eye of the storm and still be whole and complete?

I would like to think so; at least my heart is I hope. This is not the poor dreams of some lost boy, if you want the poor dreams of a lost boy, I have those too. However this is a common hope, the hope that we will accept the pain and loneliness that comes suddenly during some boring Tuesday afternoon (fucking Tuesdays) like the kool-aid man through a brick wall. He's like "Oh yeah" and your like "oh the fuck no, my wall." It always hits you on some mundane day, some middle of the week piece of shit day that comes out of no where and suddenly it's important. Suddenly that is the most important day of your fucking life, good or bad. I remember one day that I can say for a fact, 100% certainty that it was one of the most important days of my life, because I met a girl I have talked about twice in this blog. The day I met Annie….

It was laundry day, fucking laundry day. On top of everything my good friend Kj's horrid bitch of a girlfriend was coming to visit, he bitched so much about her I could write a story about how horrid this woman was. I had this perceived self image of a controlling stereotypical hot ass stuck up bitch. I mean that is how he described her. However when I walked into the laundry room that day, I got a different image, I walked in and there was one of the most attractive women I had seen in a while, a woman who was not stuck up not horrid bitchy looking. Not a narcissistic fuckwad. That was easy, there are a lot of women like that, but I had known most the people in Glacier, I had at least seen them, I would remember one like this. That's when I saw Kj, that's when he introduced his friend Annie, and that's when I realized that Kj is an over dramatic douche, mind you he's an over dramatic douche that I'm happy to call my friend. She was sitting up on a washing machine and Kj introduced us. I was happy to meet her and she gave me a hug, totally awesome, Kj got flustered, totally funny. We hit it off really well, we talked about random stuff, and we both think it was something about penguins and chickens….? Now dear readers, what does Nick go and do but fall for his best friends girlfriend, yes indeed, I fell for her, or at least a crush that lead to me being in love with her started. To be honest here is where I started to resent Kj as well, I mean he had a wonderful beautiful girlfriend, who he didn't support and he bitched about. He also would flirt a lot with other girls, I remember one time we were chatting about anime in Glacier lounge and Annie was sitting sideways in a single seat chair and I was lying on the couch, and Kj was off talking to some girl, while I was talking with his hot girlfriend. On top of everything for all his bitching of her, he was incredibly protective of her. Whenever I showed even the slightest bit of flirtation towards her Kj would get flustered and usher me or her away from the other. I didn't like how my friends at the time would attack her and take Kj's side always because, I thought Kj was wrong, it was pure and simple, once I met her and realized how wonderful and sweet she was, I was like, I guess Kj is not paying enough attention to her. He is always bitching about her bitching about how he doesn't pay enough attention or some shit like that. He didn't pay enough attention to her, even when she was at the same school as us. Yes she came to SOU, for school, amazing.

So let's be honest, we have all done what Kj did to different degrees. I have more then once referred to a few of my exes as crazy bitches, they don't deserve that title in any degree. A few of them do to be honest. However that is part of dating and part of being an emotional being. A little while ago my friend asked me, why do people link sex and emotion, she doesn't and I told her because for most people sex is an important part of love, it is making love, and whenever sex and emotion connect people tend to get a little crazy, but it's ok, we all can stand to be a little crazy once in a while. However why do we keep living our lives this way, what philosophy is in it. Now my dear readers, it is worth it, it's worth everything, trust me the reward is, amazing…. Even during just the healing part.

I woke up that morning, it was seemingly like any other day, and I looked out of my window that was right next to my bed it was snowing. It was so beautiful outside, the white on the hill, on the steps on the road. It was amazing, it was this moment, I made a decision, and I didn't want to hate who I was anymore. I mean it didn't stop there, it was hard, but I remember this one cold January morning that I started to stop hating myself. I got up and I was cold, and I cared, it was like something had changed over night, before I was like 'what the fuck ever, I don't matter' however now I was 'like fuck I'm cold.' I went and took a shower, in my shower, I really enjoyed it, and it was a good shower. I went to cascade and ate breakfast, and it was a good breakfast. It was suddenly like things mattered, and the things that mattered were good. Things started to slowly become fun again. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, it's like all that mattered was that morning so that's all I remembered. It's a feeling sort of like waking up from a long dream, you ask yourself, 'did that really happen' and say things like 'nah that's not me.' However, it is you, it was you, but it just wasn't "YOU." How can it be you, but not you at the same fucking time? Easily, because the depression takes over, it makes stress and makes you question everything. It makes you question all your motives and makes the world seem so big. it swallows you up and drags you down into the deepest pit, it's a funny thing about depression, depression feeds depression, the more depressed you get, the more you get depressed about how you are depressed and that leads further down, like those freaky tunnel things for The Time Machine trying to eat you but realizing you're a time traveler so they take you to their freaky boss…. Sorry tangent. However, even though I slip every now and then, we all do. Hell's bells there are times since then where I went "Fuck I hate myself right now." Just did the other day, it was not a cool thing. However, it's not true, I don't hate myself. My heart is healing from it's every tiny crack, it's every micro break, from not getting a much as I thought to not getting the job, to losing the girl of my dreams. Well one of them at least.

I am a man of dreams and aspirations far beyond my capacity to perform. I aspire to have my head in the clouds, to cure world hunger, to destroy war and hate, and to help man overpower his love of power, with the power of love. To heal, the world and myself I guess. Is it ok to dream of healing the world when I have these broken wings? Will they ever learn to fly, maybe, but who wants to dream of walking, when one can dream of souring. However when you cannot fly anymore you run, when you can't run no more, you crawl and when you can't crawl no more, you all know the rest.

Waiting by the phone

One of my English friends once said that life is all waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the next opportunity to hit, or waiting for some horrible news. The point is that human nature seems to be that of waiting, we are never content with what we have. Or if we think we are, it's simply because what we think we will be content with is within our sites and we say "I am content with my life." It takes a special mindset of a 23 yeah old to be able to say, I have everything the way I want it. I do not have that mindset. If I met someone with that mindset at my age, I would feel simply sorry for them. That or call them a bloody liar. Who the fuck are you kidding, yourself or others. Yes it is true what they said in Charlie and the chocolate factory, "do you know what happened to the man that got everything he ever wanted, what, he lived happily ever after. However happily ever after implies ending, and there is no ending here. I would feel sorry for that poor sot because he has no dreams and ambitions to improve, he has everything. At the same time I envy him because he is no longer just sitting around waiting for the phone to ring.

It was early, really fucking early; I was sitting on my couch in my apartment watching tv. I have been sitting here for several hours because I couldn't sleep, a phone call that I was supposed to be getting the morning was responsible. I was terrified, my chest was in a lot of pain and the test results on my lungs were supposed to come in this morning. The doctor told me I could be developing a form of Bronchitis. This was terrifying to me because I already have asthma and well, while my family is well off, I would have to quit school to get this dealt with. Though I was already failing out, I had no intention of quitting, just failing. It was hard to breath and I kept waking up in panic attacks, I was in tears afraid of what would happen. It kept going through my mind, what if they had to operate on my lungs, what if they had to take off damaged tissue. Now I know now that it wasn't cancerous or anything and that people live perfectly normal lives with Chronic Bronchitis, however, when he brings up a list of lung infections and Bronchitis is on the top, it gets pretty terrifying. I have stayed up more then one night; however this is probably one of the scarier ones. I was too afraid to sleep because I thought that my Throat would close up in the middle of the night and instead of waking up gasping (from the panic attack not from my throat closing up.) It was terrible, so I decided I would watch a little anime to get my mind off things, I watch a movie called, Otaku no Video. A brilliant mocumentry about the rise of the animation giant Gynax. As the sun came up as it inevitably always does I smiles as the phone rang sharp at 8 am. I had waited all night for the phone to ring, just as I have been waiting all my life, to hear this and other calls. I was clear; I simply had some scars on my lungs. They were fixable with rest and fluids and medicine.

This is not the only kind of phone call I've stayed up all night waiting for, and it's not the only call I ever was desperate to get. The way things are, I always seem to stay up waiting for a girl or another to call. You know everyone of you two people; Nick is not always the suave cool collected chap you have gotten to know. K has quickly gotten to know how deep my emotional side gets. We have had our problems but I think now is the time to start fixing them, and so there I was last night, sitting by the phone worried about us, and pissed off because she didn't' call. This is another case of horrible communication equaling bad shit. However this is a lesson to all of your young couples out there. Get your priorities together because one second decision could ruin it all. You have to remember your priorities constantly.

I was tired, I was fucking sleepy, I was lying in bed looking at the wall. I knew I should call Amanda. So I did, that's when she told met hat it was over, and that's when my life changed. I don't remember much from the next three months, a lot of lying in bed, a lot of skipping classes. Few showers and even more tears. It was as if my life was officially over. Nothing I could do about it, all those dreams. To be honest, that was what hurt the most, going, three quarters of my dreams are gone, done, down the drain, Goodbye baseball. I've noticed this is true for a lot of breakups, the question, what am I going to do now, always come up. It's not a matter of what are they going to do tomorrow for most people they know, it's what am I going to do next week, next month or ten years from now. So I cried, nothing I am ashamed of, I have cried before I shall cry again. I will cry many times in my life, I went and told my friend Michele and she comforted me and talked with me and made me feel better. The crying was short and easy it was the uselessness, the ever drag that got me. The depression that set in that would control my college life for the next four years. Until I broke free that is. I stopped waiting by the phone per say for Amanda to call because I know she would never call with love in her voice again. Not the kind of love I wanted. I was free again. I remember after it happened I did two active things to improve myself, I read a lot of Ranma ½ and a read pretty much all of Megatokyo that was out at the time. They saved my ass, the humor of it, the action the romance. To be honest Shojo manga saved my life. I suddenly wanted to relate to the characters I wanted to date again. It was fun and exciting. Then things happened, I dated 5 different girls named Amanda, I met and fell in love with and then fell out of love with a girl named Kali, I love her so much but not in the way she wants me too. I fell in love with a wonderful girl named Donna who gives me headaches sometimes because of worry. I found and lost Meaghan, I danced, I sang, I lost my voice in tears and happiness. Even still I kept waiting by the phone.

Life after Amanda certainly turned interesting; I was active enough to have a sort of life after the shame of what happened that summer, except for the thing with Kate that was nice. Not shameful at all. Then was my relationship with Ann, which was a wonderful experience for she is a wonderful girl. I've spent so much of my time with or around or waiting for the phone. I have been doing way too much of it recently but there is nothing I can do. For all of you out there, listen up, it's life. We always will be waiting for the next big thing, the next horizon the next big hill, you will always be waiting for the phone to ring…

Discovery

So yesterday I discovered the last thing I was looking for, two new web-comics that interested me intently.

Flakey Pastry is one of them, the one I ended up enjoying more of the two, the website where you can find this is http://www.flakypastry.runningwithpencils.com/
It's a goofy little web-comic about some supernatural creatures and their lives; btw the short one is a goblin, it took me a while to figure it out. So this Goblin and Cat girl (that hates being called a cat girl) live in this apartment run by a dragon. So this is all combined with the craziness of another roommate, a psychotic High Elf. Hilarity ensues.
The other comic was not all that good; however I did thanks to Tai find a wonderful music experience.

http://www.pandora.com/

It's called Pandora and it's a music experience, Internet radio of a new caliber. Its part of something called the Music Genome Project, which as far as I can tell is a giant project to collect music under one database. Which is totally awesome in my point of view, I mean it plays random songs, it's like a radio station where you can pick type of songs that you like, and there is some crap that you get, some stuff the system thinks you will like. However the system is fairly smart and it does have a very large variety of songs. Bottom line it's kind of amazing, however so am I.

Now I'll just say that I cannot live without music. It flows through me and even though I can't dance at all, I do try to at these times. I have always loved music, and loved people that are into music, I think musicians can be just about the sexiest things in the world. That and writers in general. It's a nice little image. I just can't help it sometimes, but of course my attraction list goes on and on, I think my perfect woman, is a gaming journalist, which plays guitar and sings as a hobby. Or maybe just a game developer, I don't know, it would take more thought. Oh and of course according to K, her name has to be named Amanda. This is all coming to a point, more specifically a memory, which goes something like this.

We were playing Risk, it was our favorite game, and it was Doug his roommate and someone else that escapes my mind. We were playing in the picnic table thing with cushioned seats in Diamond Lounge and I was doing well. In fact unnoticed by the rest of the table, who thought I was losing, my secret incredible plan was working perfectly. My secret plan being, to be the biggest asshole on the board while I died horribly to Doug's overwhelming forces, it worked brilliantly as Doug was pissed at me after the game. That's when a cute girl walked through. I remember the cute girl, because she had shortish hair and a long coat, and I had just listened to 'Short Skirt and a Long Jacket.' She came up and commented that she really liked Risk, and that she will be back later. She came back and asked to play and I got to know her, specifically because she played Dnd, and fore mentioned, she was cute. We got pretty close, we were both cuddle whores, we liked similar music, she was a musician. AMAZING. As I said we got close quickly, now I was dating this girl Meghan at the time, we were pretty serious, however I found myself falling for Amanda. So I rolled the dice, I told Meghan and she told me to go for it, that she was tired of our relationship anyway (FUCKING LIE, I learned later) So one night after the game I was running, Amanda got to the game late and she was upset because her boyfriend broke up with her, I was wounded by Meghan's proclamation of being bored with our relationship, we talked and talked and talked and then I kissed her. It was not an innocent kiss, listen ladies and gentleman, this was a passionate I need this person kiss. There have been few kisses like it in your old friend Nick's life. My first kiss, my first Amanda kiss, this kiss, and a few others down the line. However I can count maybe 5. We were sitting there in forest kitchen kissing like we were the only two people that ever loved in the world. It was a wonderful kiss, the next few days were a blur of activity, it wasn't till a day later that we decided we were dating and a week later we decided we were in love. It was crazy fast. However the funniest thing ever happened Monday night. I was sitting in Ivy lounge with Sam and Alex watching a movie, as was the way of things with Sam and Alex and once in a while me. When I was Accosted by a cute young lady, and her friend, she confronted me and demanded very vigorously, "WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH AMANDA" I was frightened, who wouldn't be. These turned out to be Amanda's best friends Maggy and Jessie. They meant well, well Maggy did, I don't think Jessie liked me at first, she came around. I told them "… um… to date her." Happy with this answer they released me and went about their merry way. Sam and Alex laughed at me after going, WTF. I spent two terms with her, sweating and working on our relationship. It was a very happy time, then summer came and I made a huge mistake, I broke up with her. I was confused and needed time to think. While I took this time, she met Ryan. At first, I didn't like Ryan, not at all. Oh not at all. However another thing happened that summer. I met up With Maggy at PAX, we got pretty close pretty quick, and as much as I can say without a doubt that I would have liked to date her, and I was just putting excuses up there, like, your Amanda's friend. I know for a fucking second that Amanda would have been cool with it. However I was scared, and so we cuddled, we laughed we had a good time, a little crush developed, me to her, and my friend Sam to this girl named Meghan, not my Megs, but another one. Btw another fucked up situation that I don't think I will ever write about was happening to Meghan and this guy, the fucker's name I forget right now. However, I will never forgive this guy for what he did, EVER. However that was a different Meghan, from now on I will call my ex Meghan as my ex Meghan, and my friend Meghan just Meghan. Now, my friend Sam asked about Meghan, Meghan asked about Sam, I did some magic Boom, Meghan's Girlfriend, and now Ex Girlfriend now hates me, well not anymore, and we are chill now. However when this happened, angry at me, that's where the Kelli quote from the previous entry comes from by the way. I was telling her all about Sam while we were sitting in front of Cascade, and she said it, and I think my facial expression was something of wanting to eat something's sou. However Amanda ended up marrying Ryan, they are very happy together and I'm very happy for them. (I have other musicians to fantasize about, ones that play guitar only wearing a guitar *Drools*)

That's all for today,

Go to bed

Future Times

So life is very much in the way of looking up. I found out that I have a real possibility of graduating at the end of this term. However I'm going to really need my friend and love ones help here. So my current schedule is wrong, I get up an hour later then I thought good for me yeah. Today was a really good day, some tough moments but nothing yours truly couldn't handle. Saying even "see ya later" when you know it's going to be a while is hard. I will see K in another few weeks, why does it feel like forever. So I promised myself I would outline a few more memories before I go to bed. The first thing that came to my mind right now takes me back to my freshman year of College.

I was pretty young, I was dating a wonderful girl named Amanda Wedvik, though I was completely loyal to her, I did have a tiny thing for a girl named Michele. I know horrible of me, but I was far away, and young and stupid and not paying nearly enough attention to Amanda. So I spent a lot of time during this time in my friends' Scott and Bryan's room. They were awesome and they lived on the top floor of the annex of the Suzzy complex, somewhere I really wanted to live. I never lived there but I got better by living in the Madrone Complex. It was Bryan, Michele, and I, I believe Scott was in the room but he was not participating. We were all sitting on the couch looking at nerd stuff and the computer when the door knocked. Michele looked up and simply said in her own way. "It's Tony." It was Tony; we all had a good laugh at this moment's expense. What happened next has eluded my memory but eventually we ended up sitting on the computer, when I should have been calling Amanda and telling her how much I loved her and how she is one of the best things that ever happened to me, but hindsight is 20/20 and an all around bitch. Plus I have learned a thing or two since I was a freshman. We were sitting at the computer looking at hotornot.com. For those of you who don't know, it is a site where you post your picture and people rate you, 1-10. We were rating people and I got around to saying that I think that girls with brown eyes are amazing. Michele has brown eyes and was taken aback from this. I would like to say at this point that Michele was not attracted to me. However I would say from time to time to her and it started here "If I were not taken I would date you in a second." I can laugh about this really hard because I look at it and think. Michele and me, not the best match I have ever thought about. I mean she was and is beautiful and smart. However there is just something about her attitude towards things that doesn't always sit right with me. I don't know, just a hunch. I guess part of it, was that I was lost, and needed some foundation, though Bryan gave me a square foundation of friends, I was looking for something almost Amandaish. It was square out wrong, I will say that now, but I don't think I knew what I was doing at the time. However I will tell you, can that girl turn heads.

Thinking of those times and especially my first years at SOU are funny, I have learned and grown so much since then. You can ask one of my best friends in the world Tai if he thinks so. He will tell you how much I've grown, or be a bitch and crack a joke. That's why I like Tai so much. Writing about this memory brings me back to two more memories about my first year at SOU.

So I had just met a fair group of people, it was like the second or third night, and I had some friends and I saw there was a Karaoke thing in Hawthorn classroom. I was there, I love to sing, and I love to make a general ass of myself in front of large crowds. Though I was nervous, I knew I could sing well but I wanted more friends. So I went in and made well, a general ass out of myself. It was really fun. I met a very attractive brown eyed girl there that may or may not have been mentioned in the previous memory (my secret…. Not really it was Michele) this was nice, and we had a lot of fun, I didn't get a number or nothing but I wasn't looking for one. What was so funny about this was a few days later I was walking with a friend downtown. He was showing me around a bit and we ran into Tony, I had met Tony a few days early and he was described to me as a stereotypical Italian man whore. Tony's date was yet again a familiar brown eyed girl named Michele. He tired to introduce me when we both started laughing, and I told her I was glad to see her, it was funny especially then because we had already made connections. ALL of us were so damn nervous and hyped up that it was nice to see another friendly face that we had already made an impression too. It was really nice. We were just freshman trying to find our place. I wish I could go back…. Fix so many things but the future holds so many more opportunities.

Our third but not last memory lies on my first day ever at SOU. It was a nervous and exciting day.

I had arrived at SOU, I had two bags, and the rest of my stuff was arriving with my parents later. I signed in after I got to school by taxi. I was in Glacier room 105. I moved into my little closet of a room and didn't even set up my bed or nothing before I decided to go exploring. I walked down to the cafeteria. I was walking right in front of Cascade and I heard a "GEX" I was like no one knows me by that here, no fucking way. I turned around and there was Sandman. Bryan. He was amazing I was there and we caught up a little bit. I ate and set up my room a little then went to the barbeque that was for dinner. Well I thought I would, however the moment I got there Bryan ran up to me and told me that I was to stay where I was. A car drove up and he told me to get in and we cruised off to his friend's apartment. This is where I met two wonderful people, Dan and Daniel. They were really great to me, and have given me a lot of good heart through the years, though we have had a bit of a distance now. All of us grow up and away from friendships. They took me to their apartment where they live with Tammy and Marie. I liked Tammy, Marie could be a little harsh and I loved their Kitties. We sat there and played Apples to Apples, watched a movie and I ended up staying the night there. Get this, I have not slept in the bed that was supposed to be mine for the rest of the year, (didn't happen, I moved up to the third floor spring term, after Kj moved out, another story.) I was sleeping on their couch. The thing is Bryan was slightly allergic to cats, so he was snoring like crazy, so for the longest time I couldn't sleep. To be honest everyone, I was scared young and out of place, I cried a little. I knew I could leave at any time, they were not keeping me there, but I didn't know my way back or anything. It was a little too much for me right then. So I returned the next day and moved in more, my stuff was not to be there for another few days. So I was sitting in the Cafeteria seats and who should walk up to me, Tammy. She told me that I shouldn't eat out there, that I should always get my stuff to go and eat in Diamond Lounge. That's where the group I came to know as the Lounge rats, hung out. A group the welcomed me with open arms and a sarcastic wit, they became my friends for the next four years. They were not my only friends, but the best of friends I had for a while. I met a guy named Jake, that was described as an asshole but I'm pretty sure he is just putting on a front; in fact I know he is. I was really lucky.

Why am I doing this SOU memory drive, because K is going to school tomorrow and she is really nervous, so I started thinking of all the things that I remember from when I went to school. My first year was scary and fun. It was also this year that I started Role Playing, now I had been role-playing on the internet for some time now, but real role-playing with dice and everything, and to be honest I was almost turned off to it immediately. The first few Dms I had were not the best, I did not enjoy the games terribly too much, as predicted they were a lot of pick on the new guy. This includes the reason I don't think I will every play Exalted ever again. It was Chase's Exalted game that got me in, and mind you I like Chase, but he can be kind of unforgiving at times. I wish I had picked harder for my first Rp game, but I'm still in it now so I guess I did something right. This is not as clear a memory because it's not the happiest; my character was fairly brutalized and then made fun of because well, I was new. I was also not the type yet to defend myself to these people, a survival trait I learned fairly quickly. I should go see them all soon. It would be fun, especially because I want to go see Tai. I wish I could drag Tai's lazy ass to Eastern with me, he's a friend I don't want to be without, and probably over the years one of the friends I talked to the most. However part of this eventual move to Eastern is to move my life forward, not back to Sou. However there is always a Masters Degree I need and maybe I can convince K to go back to the town In the Valley where my heart was captured. It brings great sadness to me that those days are over; I don't regret that they are over on one hand. I am trying to be a much more adult much more responsible person. However I wish I could take K and the life I have now back down there, and still find everyone I found love in there.

I'm going to end this post with a few key lines that I remember through the years, now there will be more memories when I can stand them tomorrow

Take that Moon (Alex)

But Officer I came straight here after leaving the crime scene (Me in a Hunter Game)

Bryan I chose you for the creepy subject (Me during Apples to Apples my first day in Ashland)

But Morgan why does my mouth taste like Soy Sauce (Me just waking up after Morgan poured Soy Sauce in my mouth)

Nick, you're a black lab puppy (Tai)

Nick I will probably have sex tonight to, and I don't have to travel to the next state (Sam after I exclaimed that he was playing Dnd tonight and I was going to go get laid, I didn't, it was not confirmed if he did, I'm pretty sure the bastard did)

Nick how do you like it when I talk about Ryan? (Kelli after I was talking about Sam too much)

Nick did you just put down Tony; oh you've grown so much, I'm so proud of you (Jake)

Nick, I want to record your snores and send them to TSR for dragon noises (Morgan after listening to me sleep)

Nick you're so cute I could just rape you (Melinda)

It's not Max damage, unless it's MAX Damage (Tai, Alex or Sam about my Dnd Character)

Maybe right now I just want to be more then friends (Allison in one of our sweetest moments, her roommate walked in on us after just being dumped, FUCK ME)

You may like her, but if she gets single you don't have a chance compared to me (JM talking about our mutual crush and good friend Erin)

And last but not least

It just feels like this is home (Me one late night to Tai sitting in Madrone apartment.)

Well Goodnight all

Nick

An Effort in Routine

Let start off by saying, I have never truly been able to stick to a routine in my life. I hate doing the same thing every day, it's so boring, and I need variation. However I have set myself up for the mother of all Routines. For those of you, who don't know my schedule I am going to give it and it's going to kill me, kill me dead.

 

6:00 Am I wake up and get ready for school

6:50 Am I catch the bus going to school

7:30 Am I attend my first class of History of Civilization

8:20 my first class ends and I eat the breakfast I brought to school

8:30 Am I attend my second Class of Sociology 101

9:20 Am my second class ends and I fill 10 min

9:30 I attend my third class Physical Anthropology

10:20 Am My Third Class ends and I might fit another class in here

Otherwise, here is lunch time, Gym time and a little homework/hanging out with my friends time

2:00 Pm (on Tuesdays its 1:00 Pm) I get on a bus to go to work

2:45 Pm (on Tuesdays its 1:45 Pm) I start work

6:00 Pm Work Ends I walk home

7:00 Pm I get dinner

8:00 Pm Call K get to homework

11:00 Pm Bed

Tales of an employed College student 2, or the return of Routine

So I woke up this morning and thought of my post last night, and it got me thinking about other memories that I remember clearly, they don't come quite as clearly as this one came and went.

It was a cold august day and I was hanging out with this wonderful girl named Allison, Allison and I had a history of being very close, but never truly dated, which is sort of a regret to me, because I do care about her very deeply. However it was never to be so I might as well get over myself. We were thinking of things to do and she suggested that we go ice skating. So we go downtown Ashland by Lithia park and we go to an ice skating rink they have right there next to the park. There are kids all around and when we get there I grab the skates while she went to use the restroom. It was a nice if chilly day and I am not the best skater in the world. However my clumsiness turned out to be boyish and she liked it well enough, thinking it's cute. We talked and laughed and had fun and even kissed a little. It was so much fun, one of my favorite memories of Ashland.

Now I know what many of the two people that read this blog are thinking. Nick is not old enough to be having this memory regret fest that his blog seems to Imply. The importance of these memories is not to be going "I Miss my youth." They are self Important to get them out before I forget them further. Now many of those two people may still think 'this guy is full of shit' and stop reading. However fuck them…. This is about me.

So some newer memories that came to me recently while I was recollecting things in the shower. One of my favorite memories about K was when I was trying ever so desperately to play Star Wars D20. However K was sitting on my lap and had just gone to the doctors about a sore thought. They gave her this stuff called "Magic Mouthwash" Best name for a drug ever right? So she was rather high right then on her druggy mouthwash. So she was being Very affectionate. Witch I didn't mind but I was trying to play star wars and she had a boyfriend. So I was very distracted by cuddly high girl on my lap sleeping. This was probably the most memorable part of our friendship and when she really started to confuse me. I love her so much it's not even funny. I am not much without her. However there were certain times where I couldn't even reach the bored and she rolled for me but the game didn't involve me much. There was another time when I was playing Dnd and she came in and plopped down right now my lap. She does this to get my attention. So then I'm sitting there with K in my lap and then our friend Sabrina comes in and plops down on my lap as well. So here I am trying to play Dnd with two beautiful girls on my lap. All the guys are grumpy at me because I take forever to do things, and I think a few of the guys were jealous. It was so funny to me, it was so pure and friendly, I miss them and I miss those moments. I think I took advantage of that time and wanted it to be over because of the socially awkward times. However I want them back, desperately. Hanging out with Shaun and Kosh and doing stupid shit that was perfectly legal. Seeing K almost every day, and laughing a lot. One of the best times in my life, and I threw it away wishing for better, wishing I was with K or that I could have this or that. What was I doing, I don't know, but now all I want is to have those times again. Fuck it.

Now here I am gotten back from Camp, Pax came and went. Friends came and went. Good time shared by all. At least by most, I know at camp I have a way of ignoring the outside world. However I completely failed at being a friend this summer. So many things happened that changed my life. Then the screaming memory that K is leaving hits me in the head like a baseball bat in a small dark alley by a man with big lips named Bubba. What am I going to do? Thinking of this reminded me of another memory during camp……

So it was the night that Oolong and Baby Giant got officially fired. We were told early ass in the morning and there was a big meeting about it. The staff of Village and Horizon met together to talk about what is going to happen. Now at this point I have been awoken twice and was pretty pissed off. People were talking about quitting and they were all bad mouthing the Acds and Tree beard, and while I respected that. I also was pissed off that we can be so childish about it. I knew that I couldn't quit right here, this was my home. So I supported them, because they had good reasons for bitching, they did not feel safe without our ULs. So at one point we heard a Car and saw Headlights, it was apparently a car had parked in the orchard, and a little while later after words, when I had done some good crying. I went out to check what the fuck was happening. So I got up and went outside, it was Ptarmigan and the nocturnal councilors planting a tree in the orchard. So I went and talked to Ptar about what was happening, and he asked me what I was going to do. I told him that I'm going to wake up and go to breakfast and do everything with my kids because "that's what my fucking program plan says to do" …. I was stressed out beyond belief, I was at edge and I still wanted to be there for my kids. Over the next few days quite a few kids came up to me and asked me if I was quitting I told them no, I was staying and that they had nothing to worry about. I told my own kids that I was going to be there till the end with them. I am not leaving; I said it over and over again. I will probably always remember that night in the field surrounded by kids I cared about hugging Ptar while cursing like a drunken sailor. I think I showed integrity right there, because I made the hard choice. I chose my kids over my pride and over my friends. I chose the people that couldn't survive without me. Many people would probably say I made the wrong choice that my loyalty should be to my friends. However I loved those kids. They were wonderful and superstars and even though they had their problems, they were worth every bit of my love. I worry about them from time to time, like I worry about most of my good cabins. I wish I could just know what they were doing and if they were safe.

That was a very raw memory for me. I feel like crying right now in the memory of the pain I felt. I don't cry a lot but I cried then because it felt like injustice.

That's all for today.

All my love guys

Nick

 

My life in routine or tales of an Employed College student

So I know it's been years since I posted last however I felt it was not only necessary for me to post again, I felt it was important that I do as well. So here I am back after a long, long time of being away. I have returned to this blog with a lot of changes in my life, more than anything I miss several of my good friends right now. Annie-chan, Sam, Dan, Alex, Shaun, Katie, Camille, Lucy, Melinda, and lots of others, I would give so much to see them right now. To live with them to be near them.

However this is dedicated to memories. Today, I was walking home and thinking to myself about my best friend in the whole world. Who is going to be referred to as K. Also I was writing in my head a story that I should be writing down any day now, I have about a novel of information about it. It's so freaking cool.

However the deal is that K and I are in a tough spot, she is having some home problems and is stressed out. I seem to apply more stress to her life. I know I'm supposed to be the one taking away her stress. So I was walking home thinking about the joys of writing about the Marccian massacre (part of the story) when I was hit with a wave of memory that nearly knocked me off my feet.

I was whisked back to a moment that happened during my second Blog on blogspot, I talked about it in brief because I really loved and still love this girl that I was talking about. I mean I had an INSANE crush on her. It's more then that I realized recently however. All I really remember from that Day is lying in the grass outside of Britt hall. The sun beat down on us and we were laying there talking and laughing. The memory has faded now, however the laughing is what I remember the most the greatest thing ever was being near to this person. I think often I think of this girl and how much I miss her and every time I am whisked back to the time when we were lying in the sun together. On a warm day in March I found everything that was excellent in my life, the people in my life.

You see, I have a form of Social Anxiety Disorder that makes it so that I feel uncomfortable when I'm not around people. However it is specifically people I know. I feel uncomfortable when friends are not around. I can't think of many people that I feel more comfortable around then this girl. K definitely, I mean I wouldn't be as close to her as I am if that wasn't the case. However I've been unsure, things have changed for us since working at camp and I'm afraid I have damaged our relationship. If I have I will just have to deal with the consequences. If not, if I can fix it. Then Right oh pip pip jolly good let's do it.

However right now I have bigger concerns. I know that my relationship is stable and that it will do fine unless I fuck it up further right now. I am pissed off at people right at this moment because a dear friend of mine is crying. She feels betrayed and lost because of some fucking idiots that called themselves her friends. I read the statement she made that upset some people, but did I attack her about it, I just went huh she must be upset and I may disagree with this but I'm her friend, and as her friend I should stand beside her, let her know that there are some parts I disagree with, but good friends don't ever let their friends stand alone. I am just so tired of false friends and easy betrayals. I am tired of Opportunistic pandering fuckwads that take when someone is at their most venerable to tell them something truly terrible and accuse them of something as petty as saying the wrong thing to their friend. FUCK THEM. I am tired to hell of people that don't give a fuck about how they are affecting other people's lives, and people that when they learn something important from someone they don't deal with it well or don't deal with it all besides getting pissed off at the messenger.

I have a good friend that fucked up big time. He told some people that two of his friends were hooking up and doing shit, and they told the guy involved's fiancé. I think that's how you should phrase it. Anyway, she gets pissed at him and then tells she fiancé and his little fuckwad what happened. So he fucks up and might get thrown in jail because he also wrapped a car around a truck and had no license (like I said he fucked up.) So not only did he lose two good friends but he may go to jail because of it, and or get fined at most 500 dollars. FUCK THAT. What do they do they call me and say hey you might not want to listen to this guy anymore, he's a backstabber. What does he say, hey I know that your friends with these other guys but can you still be my friend. Of course I listened to him. I can't stand people that make you choose sides.

Anyway besides all that crap work is really good. Besides the fact that I never get to see my friends, when I'm at work I'm comfortable and fine, however it's when I get home that the anxiety sets in. I go to work, I have fun, and I come home talk to Cam and Lucy and wait for K to call me. Then I go to bed, then I get up go to work and get home, Talk to Cam and Lucy and go to bed. I WANT MORE. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I want more. I want to be with people I want to spend time with people I want more freedom. I will have more Memories later when I am more awake and deal with stories. I just got upset at people.

Anyway, Love ya all

Nick