Nights spent in reflection of the coming dawn.

It’s hard to believe on some nights that the world does get better. I know that sometimes I can’t believe that the morning will show any promise at all. It has been quite a while since I actually added an entry but here we go. A few things have happened in my life since the beginning of this journal, and I would like to share a few of those things with you before I start this morning’s real entry. First and foremost K and broke up last year. After her I went into relationship after relationship of horribleness, all ending with me meeting one of the most wonderful people in my life, who loves me a lot and I don’t deserve her. I can’t see her till this summer and don’t know how to feel or what to do. Three people in my life have died, and one important person has left my life forever of her own free will. Two more people that fit under the “Important” Category have crashed in my life and at this very moment, one of them cannot trust me because of something I did and lied about. Besides the year in brief, Erin has moved up to Seattle, Erica has crashed in and out of my life three times and the third time ending with a night of playing make believe that probably shouldn’t have happened. I have met and exceeded some expectations; I have fallen short and broken others. I have told a few lies, but never broke a promise. I have found a friend I love very much, and have the beginnings of love for another. However tonight’s entry is is more reflective, more base in its intricacies. It’s about running away to find your heart only to find that it was where you left it all along.
Journeys are difficult things, to go on a journey is to leave everything you love behind and go out in the world naked to its forces. If life is a journey the greatest tragedy is to not enjoy it on the way, has been said to me many times in my life. I have also been told that this road is not one we walk alone. We hold the hands of the people’s who’s very souls have danced the intricate fibers of the web of life with us. It’s an amazing thing for two people to come together, for a single person who’s very soul makes yours light aflame to be found amongst six billion individuals. Yet most people don’t journey to find their soul mates. Mostly the journeys find us, and journeys end when and will they want and that is where you make your home. I’m not talking about the physical journey of going to the store or anything so mundane; I’m talking about the very act of going from one moment in your life to another. Where it takes you, and who it takes you to is all important in the life of a person, because it is true that no man is an island. All of us search out other people that make our life more complete, whether by a helping hand, a gentle kiss, a comforting embrace or Bavarian sugar cookies. We all search out people that think and feel like we do, so we don’t feel as alone, and it’s easy to feel alone in a world of six billion people, because in six billion people how can anyone feel like you do now. Surprisingly enough of those six billion people on earth none will ever know what you are feeling unless you tell them. I swore one day, on a very important and cold august second, that I would never let someone go without them knowing how I feel about them again, especially if I loved them, because when you don’t tell someone you love them, in my experience, they have a habit of never knowing. Is the world better that they never knew? Does it make their lives better or yours better that they don’t know how your heart yearns for their smile? It doesn’t matter if you can never be with them romantically, in truth there are many loves and many expressions of it. Life isn’t short but it’s too short to bullshit yourself and the ones you love, because in the end, isn’t not telling them the greatest tragedy and the greatest lie of all. You’re not even lying to them, but you’re lying to your heart.
It was a cold morning, sitting in the sand under the large cedar tree where just a few years ago I had shared my first kiss and my first forbidden relationship. My phone gripped in my hand, a tear rolling down my face. “I’m sorry” is all she said, all she fucking said to me. At least that’s all I heard until she asked me. “Nick, is it raining there.” I answered “of course it is…” and she interrupted me with “I wonder if the world is crying for my baby girl, I wonder if god is punishing me for my own silly vanity, my own silly dreams that I had a perfect life. However here I am telling her 19 year old best friend that my baby girl is dead.” My world had ended, my moral compass was gone, my girlfriend of two and a half years was with someone else, whom I had thought was my friend. I wanted to scream I wanted to cry; I wanted to end everything and have them find me dead on the beach. Because I thought that maybe the only way that anyone will ever miss you is if you make sure you leave before them. If you die before they figure out how terrible you really are. However that would have been selfish, and Alexis and Amanda were the only people I could think of. I wanted my world to end, but I was bound to tightly under two promises I could never break, and my own cowardice to do it myself. I had never told her how much… how much I loved her, how much I don’t even know. She taught me so much about the world and it all came crashing down around me. My naivety ended that day, and I started learning from the ground up what it meant to be alive without someone to hold my compass for me.
Several months later, I received a package from Alexis’s mother. It was a bundle of letters she was trying to write me. There were about 30 of them, all of them saying the same thing, this perfect girl. This girl hat was good at whatever she did, had trouble sending me a letter simply saying I love you. I didn’t think there was anything she wasn’t good at. However these three simple words failed her. I swore to myself again, that I wouldn’t let another person go without letting them know that I loved them. It’s too important to let go, life may not be short but as I said it’s too short not to let your heart sing, and it won’t be poetry that will necessarily win the fair maidens heart, but the world you heart wishes to say will, and if it doesn’t it’s not the right lady or gent. It’s that simple, your heart isn’t perfect but it’s the best thing in your anatomy to follow, because it always seems to try to have your best interest in mind, and it doesn’t seem to try to embarrass you during cocktail parties by trying to get you to hump the hostess. FYI, this action tends to be frowned upon at most cocktail parties, if you have a different experience, then I may be going to the wrong cocktail parties.
It was supposed to be one night, that’s all she wanted, with head against the pillow before things went to far, she asked for one night of make believe. Asked for one night that we can both feel like someone else wants us and no one else, and got a night were we pretended we were not cold alone and scared of waking up in the morning. It was deliberate to say on her part, every move, from standing up and disrobing to kissing me. I love her; I do, but not in the way we pretended that night and I’ve gotten to old for make believe like this anymore. You can’t play the part of the loving spouse simple because you’re scared of another night alone. She was the princess and all I had to do was be the prince. I gave her the lie she wanted. I lied to her and lied to myself and told myself that other people can have this and so can we. We who loved each other and when we did this it actually meant something. However in the morning it meant nothing like what it was supposed to mean. It mean two lonely people who loved each other very much making a mistake so we didn’t have to think of what is happening in our life. I told her in the morning, I told her I couldn’t pretend like this again, I couldn’t lie and tell her that she was the one I loved above all else, because it had been a long time since our first night. It had been a long time since our true love faded to friends. I looked in her eyes and told her I loved her but not in the way she wanted the night before. In the end I couldn’t be her prince, I couldn’t play the part anymore. When she asked in tears why couldn’t I just give her the one night she wanted? I told her it was because I couldn’t lie to her. We agreed it never happened. In fact I turned around that very day and told someone I am starting to love that it never happened. She didn’t ask, I just told her. It was a blatant lie to someone that deserves the truth just as much as Erica, if not more. Because she didn’t ask me to lie to myself and her, she didn’t ask me to play make believe. All she asked of me was to be her friend. I want to say that it was that morning that I realized I loved her, but I don’t even know anymore. I thought of something I interpreted later as love, but was it really that morning? No I don’t think it was.
This is the root of everything what we have right here. The lie was compounded and the truth was told. However the lie was told in the first place and now the consequences are dealt with. I will do anything to get back what I lost, because I realized that it was really something important after I messed everything up. Maybe it was often talked about, maybe it was even arranged. But nothing was ever done to stop it. Shall I take back everything I’ve ever said and live my life in silence? It was a simple act, everyone lies at one point. Mine was made in panic that led to more panic. I think I’m sane again. I know my path and it is to do whatever I can to make things right. One step at a time, because these are the realizations you get, when you spend all night thinking about things. That everything is just one small step at a time. Everything is just done in a night’s reflection of the coming dawn.

Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind Episode 3, Tai’s revenge

"Nick you're such a black lab puppy" This is one of the most memorable lines from this awesome guy. He is one of the most reliable men I've ever known, and one of the laziest. If you have a problem with math, women, or just want to talk, you can always call him. He is one of my best friends. I met Tai in the fall of 2003, my first year at school, however I didn't become close to him till the next year, and I don't think I really started to know him till my last year at SOU. I mean I knew him and trusted him like my other SOU friends, which is to say that I trusted him a lot. However when it came to the last year, with "Man Night" and poker games, and Shadowrun, he really became one of my best friends. I knew I could rely on him in a way I didn't know before. We shared music we hung out, we bitched about girls together. However I took advantage of it, I didn't know what I had till I was gone for two years. I appreciate Tai now for what he gave me. He gave me piece of mind, he gave me guy time, he gave me something to tie myself down with (Pun completely intended) he anchored me. I want to be at his Barbeque that I think was last weekend. I want to be laughing and having fun. However I'm not complaining about what happened here, however I need to escape for a few days weeks or lifetimes. The important thing is that he is only a phone call away; however his phone might as well be on the moon.

We were sitting and playing Star Wars; Sam was Dm and was lording over us. We were sitting in Glacier Pool Room and were having fun; Tai was back in Eugene for a while, so his character was kind of our contact to everything. Sam was describing a scene and he said our comlinks rang. At that moment the phone in Glacier Mail area rang, Sam told us that it was Davey calling, so I scooted over to see why the phone was ringing because our friends had the number. I picked it up and heard Tai's voice on the other end asking me what was going on, I told him that his character had ironically just called us as well. We laughed about it and I asked him about reviewing Sports Games for Nerd Evolution, he seemed interested in it, we talked for a bit and then I hung up and returned to the game, as I sat there I wish Tai was with us. I remembered all the times I asked him about math and he whipped out his calculator and always did them for me. He would joke with us and he would laugh with us, at us, and everything else.

Tai taught me so much about gaming, however instead of storytelling, writing, and role playing, he taught me about the math behind it. The numbers being important, the percentage chances, he taught me how to count my outs in poker, and how to consider how dead I am against one of Sam's Bosses. We had memorable lines like "It's not Max Damage unless it's MAX Damage." He let me sleep on his couch when I came to visit; he cooked me a lot of food over the years, and gave me a lot of music. I want to go back down there, but I don't know if I can. There are many places I want to be, I think that is the next place I will go. If everyone is still down there that's important is still there, however at the same time there is someone else that is just as important. I don't know what I'm going to do, however this guy has changed my life for the better, and the worse, and everything in-between.

We were sitting on the couches in Diamond Lounge, I was curled up in the corner of one of them and Tai was on the middle one and Rachelle was sitting on the couch across from me. I was Half asleep and they were talking about what animals would represent them, Tai decided Rachelle was a raven I believe, and I can't remember what they decided he was, however that's what he turned to me. "So what do you think Nick is…?" Rachelle asked in her cool manner. "Nick, some kind of puppy, oh I got it, Nick you're such a black lab puppy."

I hope I'm as loyal to my friends as one.

Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind Episode 2

This forward is to tell people that read this, because of questions I got from the last one. The title is supposed to be ironic. Thank you.

Four years ago, coming up sometime this coming summer, I was browsing the net, well Gaia, and I met a girl. She was out of the ordinary, amazing, sweet, sincere, and honest. She took my dreams in-stride with her own and made them something more than my own. Those dreams stopped being mine, they started taking on a life of their own, from the time she drew out the center we wanted to build to the time she started taking our dream house to her own levels. All of it was vibrant and all of it was new, however I was in the middle of a life changing depression. So we drifted apart. She wasn't in a place where she could help me, and I wasn't in a place where I could give her what she wanted. We were both a billion miles apart (well across the country but might have been the moon) and there was nothing either of us could do, but drift apart. We talked on and off frequently for the next three years. Then we drifted apart further. Over the next year I have realized that when we were talking, I was happier, when she was out of my life something was missing. She is back in my life now, and has been for a week. I am much happier then I've been in a while but am also trying to do things right, so a lot of stress. With this I have also made my share of mistakes, I have thought my share of thoughts that have not been conductive to our continuing relationship or friendship. I have thought of giving up on all of it, but that thought just doesn't make me happy, at all. There was one day I realized I couldn't live without this woman in my life, I ignored it back then, but I had hit upon a basic truth. 4 years ago, I saw something in the future.

I was sitting on the roof of the house my Friend Dan lived in. I was sitting up on the roof looking over the whole of Portland, however my attention was not on the one of the most gorgeous sites ever be held by myself. Nor the pretty younger sister of my friend Dan that let me up on the roof. My attention in all its glory was plastered to the girl all the way on the other side of the country, whom at that very moment was talking to me on her phone back in West Virginia. We were talking about dreams and things we want to happen. A house somewhere in the country side, a school, a practice for her, we had talked for hours and hours about what the school would look like, feel like. We never talked about what she would do, I had my hopes but they had never been what she wanted. Sitting up on that roof I felt something introspective, I felt more longing for the person on the other side of the phone then I have ever felt before. Not sexual or anything like that, while I was sexually interested in her, it was something deeper, something I didn't understand, I still am not sure I understand. Something told met then that I understand a little better now, it told me to hold on, desperately if needed. I have never said no to my heart, even when I didn't understand it, so I kept talking, kept listening to her designs and her day, listened to her words as if they were the most precious of any stone. I didn't know what any of this meant sitting up on the roof top in Portland, I m still not sure sitting in a house Bellevue what it fully meant, I'm sure that if I was sitting in an office on the moon more clarity would not come. It's simply a matter that it will come to me when it makes sense, regardless on that warm summer day on the roof of the house in Portland I knew something I didn't understand, that I still don't understand.

Amanda has always been special, she has come in and out of my life with no warning, and sometimes I have received her with joy, sometimes with indifference. Always she seemed to stay exactly the time needed to affect me and make me miss her when she was gone. None of this was purposeful, I'm not accusing her of anything, I have never told her about how I felt till now. We have argued we have yelled, we have fought, and we have loved. We have talked about the future and then forgotten our dreams only to remember them later. She is special because she skips through my life like a rock on water, never fully leaving, however thrusting in the air from time to time. I miss her when she's gone, but she makes rings to the edge of my soul when she is here. She is my friend, for no one has truly taken my dreams into her heart as she has. She is my best friend because no one knows my growth and spirit like her. I am excited that she is in my life, however at the same time as much as I want her to stay, I don't want to hold her till she sinks bellow the waves.

Uncomfortable Truth well, where does my money go?

So I have loved few people with all my heart in my life. I have met even less that took something I loved in stride and made it their own. I have also done few things that I can verily say I regret. However I have learned something about myself in the past week. Something painfully true can even be called uncomfortably true. I open my mouth and stuff my foot in it. I never sit and calm down before I start a barrage of self-righteous fuu, and most of the time the person I am doing this too doesn't even deserve it. I am not completely comfortable with this idea, and the thing is at the time this all seems like a great idea of things to say, it seems a strong point in my favor. However when I analyze it later, I come up with golden crusted crap. I try to be passionate and noble sounding but I always come out as the bad guy, because I miss the point. The point is always that I'm supposed to be supportive and that everything that I am fighting against can be talked about later, I choose every time to fight an uphill battle because it feels good to be noble, and every time I lose and feel like I am the worst fucking idiot that ever thought. In my endeavor to grow and expand my horizons, I have learned a few uncomfortable things in my life. I am not going to list them you gossipers, all both of you that read this blog shall have to find out on your own. However this all start problems, and when I run into someone that is a lot like me, not only aggressive but very defensive, I run into problems. I have run into this problem time and time again, because of course I am attracted to strong minded girls. And not attracted to more amiable girls that my pathetic arguments might work on. As I said, I am uncomfortable with this truth but it is there. I wish there was a well sometimes that is outlined in XKCD,

You pay a penny and get "The Truth" whatever truth you're looking for that is not the most comfortable at the time. Its own simplicity is its own brilliance. Everyone loves to hear the truth that they want to hear, however everyone needs to hear the truth that is uncomfortable. They learn something about themselves and it's hard, however only then do we actually grow as human beings. To go to a well and ask for the 'The Truth" you have only yourself to blame, no hatred in it, no malice, no tricks no gags. I know I would put about a hundred pennies in there just to learn what needs to be fixed, or in the end does it take credit cards?

The tears bitterly stung my cheek as they ran down my face. She turned to me elegant even in her own rage, and stared at me. "So that's it Nick, no hard feelings here, we both know this is the right thing." It was said in complete honesty but it came across my ear with a hint of Irony, 'the right thing to do, bull-shit' I thought. When was giving up the right thing to do. So I said it, in all my glory I told her that she was giving up, that she wasn't the girl I loved anyway because of that. That she was giving up on our hopes and dreams and running away. I told her when felt right and god it felt good at the time. It felt like the most righteous and good thing I could do. Then she turned to me with a cold gaze. "This is one off your problems Nick, you give up on something and yet when it's gone you can't let go. This relationship was only important enough for you to fight for when we decided to end it. Nick we have had nothing for a while now, I know that the passion I felt when I kissed you is gone. I know that we had something amazing; I know we have so much in common; however you got to accept that we just don't work. It's nothing but in bed time with us. I want a normal relationship, I want to be loved. What we have here is not love, its two lonely friends clinging to each other." She then walked away, like that my entire argument shattered by the truth, she was right, I couldn't let it go, even though I agreed with her. Erica had taken my argument and thrown it in my face, and after I had calmed down and retrospect (usually takes a few seconds) I came to the conclusion, that she was right. I had given up, hadn't I just told her brother Mike that I felt like it was over. I had, yet why couldn't I give up, even more why did I have the need to apologize, when I know she just needed some rest, yet no I had to run after her apologize, which in the end made things worse. It made it more obvious that I couldn't let things go, she just needed to cool off and we could have a rational discussion about it later. After she yelled at me more, I sleep just went home and went to sleep, the next morning, everything seemed a little better.

It retrospect I should have learned my lesson from the uncomfortable truth well years ago, right there is the two things I just RECENTLY discovered. I pushed an argument well after I should have let it go, and I went off on a self-righteous tirade without thinking, or even being right. However doesn't it show growth that I'm learning, doesn't it show maturity that I'm become a better person. I usually say that the surest sign of maturity is to know when to be mature. However the problem with that, is don't you have to be mature to know when to be mature, and then shouldn't you know how to act mature? In the end the only thing that can tell us these simple uncomfortable truths, is not a well, it must be us recognizing our faults through our loved ones, or random people that live in wells.

I would like to kindly thank XKCD for helping illustrate my point. Now I need to make a sign and find a well.
Toodles.

Past Slander and Things Better Left Behind

There are things that we tell ourselves that should have been done. There are things we agree that are better left in the past, things that needed to be said, things that need to be done, and conversely things that really didn't need to be said, and things that really didn't need to be done. It's rather funny thing regret, funny and ironic. Someone could be completely happy with the way thins are and regret something, but doesn't that mean that they aren't happy with the way things are. Personally I would wish I could take back the last like 6 months and replay them, but there are several people I have met and connected to that I wouldn't never would have if I changed things, for one thing, there is someone I really love now that I would never have met. However conversely, I would never would have stopped talking to people I really care about people like Londynn.

    I was lying on my bed, playing World of War Craft, back when my wow addiction was full tilt. We were running a dungeon and I was the primary healer. I ways playing my awesome undead priest of doom, when the phone rang, I answered it and it was this awesome girl named Londynn. I loved her, I still do always will, she's one of my closest friends, and I feel like I can trust her with anything, we talk for a while about the most random shit ever. I tell her how I am she tells me how she is, we be all flirty, it doesn't mean anything its just fun. It was the kind conversation you can see yourself having every single day of your life. I get back on my computer still on the phone realizing oh shit. We are on a raid and my guild is very impatient with me. I tell them I am talking to Londynn. Morgan's response is, Nick you are never aloud to spell again. I laughing tell him that I was talking about a person. A very dear friend of mine…

I never wrote about Londynn before because, I don't know why. She's always been a very important figure in my life. Harassing me this way or that, we are fixing things right now; things got a little broken between us. However everything gets a little broken. You know if I had any sense in me I would have called her months ago and fixed things right up front. However the last time we talked I was afraid, she has this boyfriend and well I felt unwanted, and I got hurt. We didn't talk for a while after that for god knows what reason. She represents something to me, a side of me a part of me. She knows me very well. This is just a very short entry today. One of my friends is in the hospital, he is in a coma, I ask for all your prayers go out to him and his wife. Thank you

Godspeed man

    

It was like one day I was one thing, and then the next I was another.

Have you ever had someone walk into your life and suddenly the rules don't make sense anymore? I have, recently, really recently. A few times in my life I have met someone that entered my life so fast that I could see the change one day to the next. Erin entered my life that way, with 5 hour conversation in the stair well. Alexis entered my life with a five hour conversation under a stairwell, and now a new girl has entered my life the same way, (well no stairs were involved) I have talked to her so much the last week, we were really close, but unfortunately it got kind of screwed up you see. I need to rebuild this, it's mostly my fault. This is not the first time this has happened, and yet I still open my big mouth and allow things to exit it that shouldn't. This was not the first time my heart got ahead of my mind. Especially because the logician in my mind is tied up in a corner somewhere. However people like this have always been worth the struggle, they are destined to change your life forever, as quickly as they changed you in the first place and so slowly you never know the difference. I remember when Amanda did this to me….

I was a lonely High School student, she was radiant and we had just met that summer at camp. She and I exchanged e-mail addresses as kids do, however unlike everyone else who exchanged e-mails we actually kept corresponding, you see it turns out Amanda had a huge crush on me. I remember the first phone conversation we had, well not word for word, but I remember it because that was when my life was changed. I was pretty weird I never hung out with people outside of school, and like a normal boy didn't use the phone for long. However this changed when she started calling me, well it was more Kim's fault but that is not the point. It was Amanda first then, when Kim and I started dating it was her too. It was that first long e-mail to Amanda; it was that first phone call in the kitchen that changed everything. It was a year long friendship then a 3 year long relationship that forged all of this. I would talk to her for hours just to hear her voice, even before I knew I loved her. I would say silly things like I love you like a sister when I didn't know what love was. It was hours upon hours on the phone with a fair amount of it just sitting there listening to each other breath. Before I knew it I was changed, I was a different more confident person.

Sometimes I pity the kid I was, until I act like him again. Sometimes I want to go back to wish the mistakes fixed, until I realize that I wouldn't know the people I do now because of them, it's kind of funny regrets, to regret something is to wish that nothing that has happened has happened, it's to wish that everything was different. I may be happier if I changed this one thing or another, but so many would not be in my heart, and I wouldn't have touched so many people's hearts. Or ran to be a super hero knowing that in this action I was probably going to lose the person I saved.

It was October; I am not going to fair in detail with this memory because it's not my memory to tell, but I will tell you the memory of my heart beats and my mind racing. It was Halloween. I was sitting and playing magic, with a few friends, the only one I really remember being there was Shaun, but I'm sure Kosh, Ben and Soph were there too, we were at the table closest to the fireplace and I was sitting on the floor. I heard my phone ring, and my heat skipped a beat, I answered it and my heart once again was beating quickly, I was on my feet, I was running. I was defiantly in a panic, it was important so boom boom boom boom, so quickly beat my heart. It wasn't the normal, pump pump it was a booming noise that resonated with every single part of my body with every step on the concrete. With every breath of the cold air my heart raced. I opened a door and my heart fell apart, the boom boom boom continued, not slowing down and not relenting its drumming sound. I remember my fist clenching and feeling the blood flow to the fist, feeling it cushion to the pressure, and the pain in my hand from the grip. The rest I remember tears and fears and lots of hugs, holding tight, my hands gripped around a steering wheel. I remember questions and answers, stress and terror. Eventually I remember saying goodbye and somehow going to sleep without nightmares that night.

My life changed that night, however it may not have been for the better, or for the worse, just changed. This is a short blog post because it's almost 2 am, however for those people I have met, and for those who I got to know in two seconds, I don't know if I've been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I've been changed for good.

My nickname was like 'frigid castrating bitch' or something

So troubling events on the horizon, at least the perceived horizon, and perceived troubling events. We all have our battles to fight, though battles of might bring more honor; battles of the heart are far more subtle and far more deadly. How does one deal with wounds to your very soul, to your every emotion. How do you defend your very being without cutting yourself off not only from all attacks, but all joys at the same time? How does one endure, how does the heart not break in quaking fear from of the hopelessness of its own situation. Is it that strong to stem back the tide, to look into the eye of the storm and still be whole and complete?

I would like to think so; at least my heart is I hope. This is not the poor dreams of some lost boy, if you want the poor dreams of a lost boy, I have those too. However this is a common hope, the hope that we will accept the pain and loneliness that comes suddenly during some boring Tuesday afternoon (fucking Tuesdays) like the kool-aid man through a brick wall. He's like "Oh yeah" and your like "oh the fuck no, my wall." It always hits you on some mundane day, some middle of the week piece of shit day that comes out of no where and suddenly it's important. Suddenly that is the most important day of your fucking life, good or bad. I remember one day that I can say for a fact, 100% certainty that it was one of the most important days of my life, because I met a girl I have talked about twice in this blog. The day I met Annie….

It was laundry day, fucking laundry day. On top of everything my good friend Kj's horrid bitch of a girlfriend was coming to visit, he bitched so much about her I could write a story about how horrid this woman was. I had this perceived self image of a controlling stereotypical hot ass stuck up bitch. I mean that is how he described her. However when I walked into the laundry room that day, I got a different image, I walked in and there was one of the most attractive women I had seen in a while, a woman who was not stuck up not horrid bitchy looking. Not a narcissistic fuckwad. That was easy, there are a lot of women like that, but I had known most the people in Glacier, I had at least seen them, I would remember one like this. That's when I saw Kj, that's when he introduced his friend Annie, and that's when I realized that Kj is an over dramatic douche, mind you he's an over dramatic douche that I'm happy to call my friend. She was sitting up on a washing machine and Kj introduced us. I was happy to meet her and she gave me a hug, totally awesome, Kj got flustered, totally funny. We hit it off really well, we talked about random stuff, and we both think it was something about penguins and chickens….? Now dear readers, what does Nick go and do but fall for his best friends girlfriend, yes indeed, I fell for her, or at least a crush that lead to me being in love with her started. To be honest here is where I started to resent Kj as well, I mean he had a wonderful beautiful girlfriend, who he didn't support and he bitched about. He also would flirt a lot with other girls, I remember one time we were chatting about anime in Glacier lounge and Annie was sitting sideways in a single seat chair and I was lying on the couch, and Kj was off talking to some girl, while I was talking with his hot girlfriend. On top of everything for all his bitching of her, he was incredibly protective of her. Whenever I showed even the slightest bit of flirtation towards her Kj would get flustered and usher me or her away from the other. I didn't like how my friends at the time would attack her and take Kj's side always because, I thought Kj was wrong, it was pure and simple, once I met her and realized how wonderful and sweet she was, I was like, I guess Kj is not paying enough attention to her. He is always bitching about her bitching about how he doesn't pay enough attention or some shit like that. He didn't pay enough attention to her, even when she was at the same school as us. Yes she came to SOU, for school, amazing.

So let's be honest, we have all done what Kj did to different degrees. I have more then once referred to a few of my exes as crazy bitches, they don't deserve that title in any degree. A few of them do to be honest. However that is part of dating and part of being an emotional being. A little while ago my friend asked me, why do people link sex and emotion, she doesn't and I told her because for most people sex is an important part of love, it is making love, and whenever sex and emotion connect people tend to get a little crazy, but it's ok, we all can stand to be a little crazy once in a while. However why do we keep living our lives this way, what philosophy is in it. Now my dear readers, it is worth it, it's worth everything, trust me the reward is, amazing…. Even during just the healing part.

I woke up that morning, it was seemingly like any other day, and I looked out of my window that was right next to my bed it was snowing. It was so beautiful outside, the white on the hill, on the steps on the road. It was amazing, it was this moment, I made a decision, and I didn't want to hate who I was anymore. I mean it didn't stop there, it was hard, but I remember this one cold January morning that I started to stop hating myself. I got up and I was cold, and I cared, it was like something had changed over night, before I was like 'what the fuck ever, I don't matter' however now I was 'like fuck I'm cold.' I went and took a shower, in my shower, I really enjoyed it, and it was a good shower. I went to cascade and ate breakfast, and it was a good breakfast. It was suddenly like things mattered, and the things that mattered were good. Things started to slowly become fun again. The rest of the day is kind of a blur, it's like all that mattered was that morning so that's all I remembered. It's a feeling sort of like waking up from a long dream, you ask yourself, 'did that really happen' and say things like 'nah that's not me.' However, it is you, it was you, but it just wasn't "YOU." How can it be you, but not you at the same fucking time? Easily, because the depression takes over, it makes stress and makes you question everything. It makes you question all your motives and makes the world seem so big. it swallows you up and drags you down into the deepest pit, it's a funny thing about depression, depression feeds depression, the more depressed you get, the more you get depressed about how you are depressed and that leads further down, like those freaky tunnel things for The Time Machine trying to eat you but realizing you're a time traveler so they take you to their freaky boss…. Sorry tangent. However, even though I slip every now and then, we all do. Hell's bells there are times since then where I went "Fuck I hate myself right now." Just did the other day, it was not a cool thing. However, it's not true, I don't hate myself. My heart is healing from it's every tiny crack, it's every micro break, from not getting a much as I thought to not getting the job, to losing the girl of my dreams. Well one of them at least.

I am a man of dreams and aspirations far beyond my capacity to perform. I aspire to have my head in the clouds, to cure world hunger, to destroy war and hate, and to help man overpower his love of power, with the power of love. To heal, the world and myself I guess. Is it ok to dream of healing the world when I have these broken wings? Will they ever learn to fly, maybe, but who wants to dream of walking, when one can dream of souring. However when you cannot fly anymore you run, when you can't run no more, you crawl and when you can't crawl no more, you all know the rest.